And the Vial Made Three

It has been confirmed by a gajillion home pregnancy tests (I have a pee on a stick problem) and bloodwork!

Also Pictured: My morning hair

Us, the results and the vial.

More details after we cool our shit.

And now a series of celebratory gifs entitled "Y'all Have No Idea How Long I've Been Building This Arsenal of Gems":

XOXO,

K + M

My First Insemination: It Only Felt Like a Little Prick

Hey team.  So after seeing our positive ovulation predictor test I called the clinic immediately (Saturday at 7pm).  They are "open" 7 days a week, but over the holiday weekend they had someone (wo)manning the phones that are checked periodically.  We waited and waited and didn't hear back until 10:30 Sunday morning.  Which, in reality, is fine because you have a 24-36 hour window of time to inseminate after getting a positive ovulation test, but in medicated/trying to conceive land you are Whitney Houston/Alice Ripley/Kirk Cameron crazy. You turn into that person that calls a number a billion times with varying emotional messages ranging from 1 to Chris Brown.  And then they call you and you profusely apologize for being the crazy girl in the room.  They scheduled me for insemination Monday (12/2) at 9:30am.  So Meg and I did exactly what one would do before getting sperm injected in you.  I ate sushi (a pregnancy no-no), a hot dog (who knew? not allowed.) and had a gin and tonic.  Then we binge watched "Nurse Jackie" and decorated the Christmas tree.  What can I say?  We go hard or go home.

I woke up this morning feeling like I was about to take an exam and for those that don't know me, I don't test well.  I get all nervous and make horrible jokes and start talking in nonsensical sentences. In other words, I become Fox news.  So anyway, we sat down in the clinic waiting room and waited to be called in.  Eventually a nurse pulled us into a small office and informed us that the first vial of sperm they thawed had a low motility count (below the guarantee from the sperm bank).   I felt a wave of disappointment hit me- are we going to have to do all of this again another month without even trying???  She then said that they could thaw another vial and combine the two for an even stronger shot and we would be able to contact the donor bank for a refund on the low motility one anyway and we could do this in about 30 minutes.

When you have spent a large chunk of your savings on all of this I was delighted to hear about the refund. We'll see how that goes. Perhaps a post for another day?


We went back to an exam room and met our insemination nurse practitioner, Paula, who- first of all- is a DE-light.  Secondly she informed us that she is nicknamed the "Lesbinator" as she always tends to end up doing the inseminations for same sex couples.  Her patients have even made her a superhero sketch.  I CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP.  After having Meg write that down and proclaiming, "I'm SO blogging about this!" she had me lay back into the stirrups.  The whole procedure took about 5 minutes and the only tough part is the speculum.  For anyone that is not familiar with a speculum and what it does, it's basically like this but on your lady parts:

And if you're lucky they warm it up first.

After she was all done I hung out for15 minutes with my hips elevated. We ended up talking to the nurse about what types of cheese to avoid while I might be pregnant (and when I am, of course). Now we wait 2 weeks and do a pregnancy test.

Also.  They gave us the (totally cleaned and sanitized) vial that the sperm came in so we could deal with the sperm bank refund. My head started to fill with ideas for a baby book and making it into an ornament...anyway, I threw it into my purse on our way out.  Then, to keep tradition alive, I went to Panera because I "deserved" a grilled cheese and tomato soup.  And guess what I grabbed first when I was reaching for my wallet?  Yup.

Ovulation Testing: You'll Study More Than You Did for the LSAT

Starting on day 3 of my cycle they had me start taking Clomid (what that experience was like):

Kate sees this: 

Then she starts to do this:

Then on day 10 (today) they will have me start testing for ovulation.

You can test every 4 hours which means I'm gonna spend a lot of time in the bathroom at work and most likely will become "that girl".

Most tests take 3-5 minutes to show results.  So to anyone entering the stall next to me and leaving before I do, it will appear that we were in a (to quote my cousin) "poop off".  My co-worker said I need a separate pair of nondescript shoes to wear when I go take a test... or I could suspend my feet off the floor.  It'll be great for my abs.

You have to catch it at the right moment AND be able to read the ROYGBIV color spectrum that is the testing strip.  Let me lay it out for you...

You also can't provide too much of a sample as it will null the test.  Or if you get a dud tester you have to wait another 4 hours.







Women have, typically, a 24 hour window for when an egg is released and able to be fertilized.  So you have to test and test as you patiently wait for the quasi-matching lines to appear- sometimes asking complete strangers their opinion while showing them a poorly lit picture you took on your iPhone. (Not me, specifically, but I've heard).  As soon as we get a positive, we'll call the clinic (must be before noon so the sperm can defrost.... I will never be able to defrost chicken the same again) and go in the next morning for insemination.  Not only will we have a short amount of time, but so will the sperm.  Fresh sperm (ew) can live in a woman's body for up to 5 days.  Frozen sperm only has 2 days, max.  I really hope someone reading this right now wins final Jeopardy with the above facts because that would make my damn day.  The one advantage we do get is that we are doing IUI so the donation is placed directly into the uterus (or my Bea-uterus- thank you Brian D. aka future manny) so it "bypasses getting stuck on Storrow and just takes the Pike" (Mass-holes get it).  I can only describe this process as such:

This Is Really Gonna Jack Up My Gmail Ads

As some of you may remember in a previous post (I Like My Men Like I Like My Beer: Chilled and in a Six Pack) we talked about choosing our donor...

So we ordered our donor sperm today.

Now all I have to do is keep working out to get into the BMI safe zone.

Continue do every weird recommendation the web tells me to do to bring on ovulation.

And wait for the the next cycle to start Clomid.

So This Uterus Walks Into a Bar...

Well, today we got up and went in for my hysteroscopy (the doctor thought he saw something on my HSG scans and wanted to rule out anything that needed to be surgically removed before we try).  I don't do well with waiting.  Particularly with some of the bad news we have encountered on our journey so far.  The night before the test I had crazy nightmares (mostly of the zombie nature- I blame that on Walking Dead's season premiere) and then I got "nervous tummy" which sounds cuter than it is- I still want anyone reading this to be able to look me in the eye.  I also got tense.

This test was one of the last hoops we have to jump through to ensure the "pipes are working", the "foundation is strong", the "recipe includes nutella".

What I imagine a uterus looks like.

After the doctor  Jacques Cousteau-ed my uterus (they take a camera up there and play paparazzi) he says, "Everything looks great.  You've got a beautiful uterus.
Perfect for hosting a baby."  Guys.  I really needed to hear that.  So.  We will now start clomid on my next cycle in a couple weeks and try our first insemination attempt. #wut




In the meantime we have two goals.
1. I need to lose the last few pounds that put me in the safe BMI zone.  More are welcome to relocate- but no relocating from my thighs to my ass.  Thunder is for the skies, not the thighs.  <rim shot>




2. Narrow down our donor options and order sperm.  We are really looking for someone who is tall and thin- let's fight genetics together. And has a healthy family history.  From there we'll decide what other factors are important.  Does the expanded profile say whether or not he's a Chenoweth fan?  #requirement

Guys.  Things are happening! #holler

I Would Have Bought Your Donor's Voice Recording, But I Spent All my Money at the Whole Foods Salad Bar

We've previously talked about how we are picking the sperm donor, but the Boston Globe posted an article yesterday that makes things a little more complicated. Basically the article is introducing a new optional procedure to test for 600 genetic childhood diseases. Great right? Sure.  But like most of us going through this journey it isn't like we can drop Benjamins like Big Papi drops home runs (sorry, the Red Sox are in the ALCS.  Any other time and I would know nothing about sports).  I think what the woman in the article went through is terrible, but it does point out another option/resource presented to you in this process that you have to budget for.... or not.  Let me lay out the numbers for you.

Doctor Visits (primary care, gyno, reproductive doc, etc)       $30 copay each time
So much poking and prodding.  But at least they call you the next day. <heyoo>

Testing & Meds (HSG, sonogram, blood tests, hysteroscopy, clomid, etc)  between $30 - $4,000

 **These can vary based upon your insurance coverage.  Simply call your company and they will provide all the answers <sarcasm>






OPK Kits    $22 for a pack of 100 little testing sticks - $36 for a the digital

I'll be honest- if you don't know me I am pretty cheap.  Most of the time I'll take "quality" over QUALITY if it saves me $5.  I also don't test well.  Meaning when I took the SATs in high school I took them 5 times. I'm not dumb, I just rationalize every possible option in a multiple choice.  So when presented with a stick that has two lines and if the lines are remotely dark in comparison you're

ovulating I have a panic attack.  Seriously.  You need a Pantone color swatch book.  "Shit.  I think Line 2 is

Cyan	4
Magenta	82
Yellow	26
Black	0

But Line one has darker tones of magenta?!?!!?"  Save yourself some time, stress and a graphic design degree and get the freakin' digital one.  It's either a circle or a smiley.  Or what I call the remedial OPK testing option.

Donor Sperm     $350-$1,000
We're talking reputable sperm here, people.  Our center works with about 15 different sperm banks around the country.  Meg, being the A+ student of the household, researched all of them and we narrowed our choice to one that will remain nameless here. It has a good amount of options (particularity since my CMV negative status narrows our options) and the pricing is reasonable (I already looked and they don't do Groupons).  We discovered along the way that some places even have bargain bins.... though this time, and I know this is a shock, even I will skip the clearance rack.  Other places, <cough, California, cough> offer "ad-ons" that you (no surprise) have to pay extra for.  Also, check out their donor search button....

Donor Information - Downloadable A La Carte Items
Handwriting Analysis	$20
Express Yourself	$20
Facial Features Report	$20
Donor Voice Recording	$20
Childhood Photo(s)	$20

And then there's shipping  for the sperm     $125-$340     & Storage      $450-$2,550

Blood Pregnancy Test     $70 each month (remember when they made me do one a week ago?!?)

As I've mentioned before, Meg is the planner in our family and, luckily, she builds in our savings from our budget.  There are a lot of pieces of this where you will be faced with financial options from "do we get a donor who looks like Taye Diggs?" to "do we spend a little more for additional testing?".  As long as they don't put these options in a multiple choice format I think we're gonna get through this.

Visualization of your bank account after all of this.