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Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Who's Yo Daddy? No, But Really.

barbra streisand, streisand, babs
My 6th grade Geography project.
We were asked to create our own
country and show rivers, towns, hills.
I made Streisland with the
Bay of Prince of Tides. #gay

Posted by Kate
gay, unicorn, rainbow

As some of you know, I came out later than most of my homo friends (to be fair, most of my homo friends are Emerson College kids who were born from their mother's womb riding a unicorn with glitter flying out of their butt accompanied by a medley of Cher songs).  If you're new to this blog or are stuck on the MBTA red line I'll just point you to a post on my other blog titled There's Are ALWAYS Signs: How to Tell If Your Child is Gayer Than a Clutch Purse on Tony Night.  So.  I dated men for some time.  I am not a Gold Star Lesbian (click here if this isn't in your everyday vernacular).  Add to it that we are in the final stages of searching for a sperm.  Having to look at men, understand their family history, and imagine what our combined genetics might look like is bringing back dusty old memories of dates where my flirting was utter proof that I would have been a horrible actress.  Imagine me, in a dress, flirting with a frat boy.  Not. Pretty.  Hil. Arious.  We touched briefly on the path we were taking toward choosing a donor in a previous post (I Like My Men Like I Like My Beer: Chilled and in a Six Pack), but as we get closer to the place where we will have to narrow down "Mr. Tubular" we get their hair color, eye color, ethnicity, education, family history, hobbies... So Meg and I decided to tell this story like a game of "Guess Who?".

guess who, games
Kid, in our world it's ALWAYS a Mary.

We had several sperm banks to choose from, based on a list provided to us by our fertility clinic. One of the options (that we did not choose) is the California Cryobank which offers the option of searching for sperm by celebrity look-a-like. Want your sperm donor to look like Brad Pitt? No problem. Welcome to the vortex of time suckage as you hit up that site for hours.  Some of the celebrity look-a-like options are fantastic, handsome, talented men I would LOVE for my kid to look like (Taye Diggs- we all dig you).  Then there are some "celeb" donors that give you the same awkward feeling you get when you watch a drunk girl try to dance at a wedding.

Ryan Lochte.  This is all I can imagine:


Or Owen Wilson:

Or maybe on the positive side, dream of dreams, an NPH baby:

So, to give props to our town of Boston, let's say we chose to look at donor 132 *(number changed for privacy) who is described to look like Mark Wahlberg.  His mini-bio reads: "With a list of hobbies that includes beat boxing..." We're just gonna stop right there.  And for an additional $250 you can get a childhood photo and a voice recording.  The last thing I want to know is if voice box matches the beat box.

In all honesty, we didn't go with California Cryobank because the celebrity look-a-like feature felt so cheesy. On top of that, they charge you for each and every little thing. Want a childhood photo? $50 please. Want to hear the man's voice (PS, no thanks)? That's $100. Personally, that didn't feel good to us.

Now back on the lighter side, let's take look at some of the donors that exist out there:

Blonde hair, blue eyes, 5'5", fair skin.

Caucasian.  175lbs.  BU student in the Grad School of Fine Arts.
I am a healthy person whose only bad habit is eating too much candy.

Kate: Ok, he's actually pretty cool.  Except for the pornstache.

Brown Hair, O+, loves golfing.
Why did you decide to donate? Because I heard it was good money.  And I want to spread my superior genes.

Kate and Meg:  Our yeah, we can't wait to tell our future child this.

So picking our donor kinda feels like being set up on a blind date.  But the best part is I don't have to make small talk with him, I don't have to pretend he's cute and more importantly I get the girl in the end.


  1. Love the use of the Guess Who cards! One thing is for sure your child will grow up in a house full of laughter! We use Fairfax Cryo, their childhood photos are like $10 if you wanted one.

  2. Thanks, Ana. I think we're going with NW Cryo.