Ovulation Testing: You'll Study More Than You Did for the LSAT

Starting on day 3 of my cycle they had me start taking Clomid (what that experience was like):

Kate sees this: 

Then she starts to do this:

Then on day 10 (today) they will have me start testing for ovulation.

You can test every 4 hours which means I'm gonna spend a lot of time in the bathroom at work and most likely will become "that girl".

Most tests take 3-5 minutes to show results.  So to anyone entering the stall next to me and leaving before I do, it will appear that we were in a (to quote my cousin) "poop off".  My co-worker said I need a separate pair of nondescript shoes to wear when I go take a test... or I could suspend my feet off the floor.  It'll be great for my abs.

You have to catch it at the right moment AND be able to read the ROYGBIV color spectrum that is the testing strip.  Let me lay it out for you...

You also can't provide too much of a sample as it will null the test.  Or if you get a dud tester you have to wait another 4 hours.







Women have, typically, a 24 hour window for when an egg is released and able to be fertilized.  So you have to test and test as you patiently wait for the quasi-matching lines to appear- sometimes asking complete strangers their opinion while showing them a poorly lit picture you took on your iPhone. (Not me, specifically, but I've heard).  As soon as we get a positive, we'll call the clinic (must be before noon so the sperm can defrost.... I will never be able to defrost chicken the same again) and go in the next morning for insemination.  Not only will we have a short amount of time, but so will the sperm.  Fresh sperm (ew) can live in a woman's body for up to 5 days.  Frozen sperm only has 2 days, max.  I really hope someone reading this right now wins final Jeopardy with the above facts because that would make my damn day.  The one advantage we do get is that we are doing IUI so the donation is placed directly into the uterus (or my Bea-uterus- thank you Brian D. aka future manny) so it "bypasses getting stuck on Storrow and just takes the Pike" (Mass-holes get it).  I can only describe this process as such:

Oh, The Places You Will Go... To Take an Ovulation Test

Congratulations!
Today you can predict.
You're off to Great Places!
To Pee on a Stick!

You have a pricey device in your hand.
You have a window of time.
You will enter sketchy places
With hopes of seeing more than 1 line.

OH! 
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO! (...to take an ovulation test)

You'll be on an airplane!
You'll be a contortionist!
People waiting will judge you
You, the TSA will blacklist.

JetBlue Airplane

You'll do it at work.
The last stall will be your lab.
Your coworkers will think
Your bowels need rehab.

At Work: When you walk into the stall with OPK stick in hand & you bump into your CEO.

You will do it at a theater

Where you used to work.

With biddies and blue hairs

Around your stall they will lurk.

You'll be in an instance
Where balance is key.
Don't do as I did
That train porter is now damaged, yes sirree.

High Speed Acela Amtrak Train and by high speed I mean warp speed taking every corner at the exact time you close the door

You may be out of the comforts of your own home.
Remember to boost the shampoo, the conditioner and the comb.
Word to the wise of the minibar where you may roam.
Your hormonal state may cause you to eat that $40 Toblerone.
Being on the road for work is beyond exhausting I must say,
Beware of the handle to the left of the sink as it ends up being the bidet.

Fancy Ass Hotel on a business trip

You will come to a place where the bathrooms look cryptic.

Not to mention the stalls look apocalyptic.

A place you could catch diseases that run the gambit!

Why does it look like a wet dog shook off, dammit??!

Penn Station

What it finally feels like to do the test in the comforts of your our own bathroom

So...
be it a port-o, an outhouse, a latrine
or a commode,
Lines that look like Sanskrit
You'll sit and decode!
Your loo is waiting.
So go stand in line!
Soon you'll see the happy face
And enjoy one last wine.