It's Like Dating, But I Don't Have To Fake That I Don't Read

Today we want to celebrate two things.

1. We have had over 10,000 visits to this blog.

2. Our good friend (and Meg's old roommate) Brit came over for taco night. Yeah, yeah, get it out of your system.  

And I decided to do an ovulation predictor test: 

My test came up positive for ovulation and we are set to go in sometime in the next 24 hours for our first insemination.

Don't worry team, there's gonna be a whoooooole other post about that experience.

My Damn Ovaries, Not a 19th Century French Novel

I'm going to be honest, I could probably name off every book I've ever read cover to cover.  Not because I'm a bibliophile, but because I have a hard time reading.  I WANT to love to read, but unless it's a teen dystopian book, a series on symbols/catholic corruption or anything by Lois Lowry ("Number the

Artist Rendering of Kate Attempting
to Read This Damn Book

Stars" is the best book ever) I probably Cliff Noted the crap out of it.  I get distracted.  So, to explain the title of this post... I was supposed to read the most boring book known to man (Flaubert's "Madame Bovary") in high school, but couldn't get past the ISBN number page at the beginning.  I would only read this if placed in a situation where the options were: 1. Read this old long ass book or 2. Listen to Ann Coulter (which, by the way, the first options you get when you Google her name is "Ann Coulter racist", "Ann Coulter net worth").  So I 'Spark Notes'-ed it and gave it a witty new title- "My Damn Ovaries".  Little did I know how relevant the facetious title would become to my own life. This brings us to the next step in OBM (Operation Baby Makin').  I know I take a while to make a point, but the journey is fun and I get you there eventually so shut up.


So, we last left off with the final tests done and we had an appointment with our reproductive doctor on Tuesday.  The night before the appointment Meg and I were on a walk discussing what we thought we would cover in the appointment. After each test, the nurse or tech told me that everything looked good, so my guess was that we would get a ballpark date for our first insemination and get the form to order sperm. We both let our minds wander to the 'worse case' scenario which we thought would be the doctor requiring us to do a couple more months of tracking because my cycle is unpredictable. We couldn't imagine having to wait until month. Now, I know this blog was started for the purposes of providing information about same sex couples having a baby as well as a way to keep friends/family up-to-date (and for me to have an outlet for my wit so Meg doesn't have to hear the same jokes over and over again), but lez (see what I did there?) be honest- not everything is going to be rainbows, sunshine and Kristin Chenoweth.  Forgive me for not diving into some things as much as others- and I bet you're probably grateful for that when it comes to the biology parts.  Am I right, boys (wait- do we know any boys?)?

Here's the truth. Our appointment on Tuesday was hard to sit through.  We sat down with the doctor and he began to go over some of the tests.  It turns the techs and nurses were not quite telling us the whole truth. I do have a significant number of ovarian follicles (a good thing), but they were all around the outer area of the ovaries instead of in the center (a not so good thing).  We were told that this is a classic symptom of PCOS, or Polycystic ovary syndrome.  Other symptoms are difficulty losing weight and abnormal menstral cycles, both of which I experience.  Other symptoms (that I don't have) are diabetes, high cholesterol, etc.  Something like 1 in 10 women have PCOS, and plenty of them get pregnant, but there's no doubt that this makes things a little more...complicated.

The doctor took blood to test my hormone levels which will likely confirm the PCOS diagnosis.  As I write this I am staring at my phone waiting for them to call to tell us the results. Either way, there is a plan in place to move forward. I personally feel that this isn't a huge blow as I don't have the other 2 symptoms that are more risks to health and the doctor didn't seem to present it as a big deal.  However, and I'll try to keep this light, finding out there's yet another speed bump in our baby making journey (the most obvious being that we lack sperm!) I feel like this.

I was also told that there was a 'shadow'  found on my uterus during the HSG (aka medical medieval Pilates in your bathing suit area) so we will have to 'Innerspace' me. If you haven't seen this cinematic gem get thee to a $5 bargain bin at your local car wash to see Meg Ryan in rare form.

So.  In the next 3 weeks there will be some testing to make sure the 'foundation is solid'. This puts our first insemination off to at least November. We might post more about this in the coming days, but then again, we might not. It's hard, y'all.

But on a lighter note that means I get to enjoy the open bars to the fullest at the 3, count 'em, 3 same sex weddings we are attending in the next month.

Oh, The Places You Will Go... To Take an Ovulation Test

Congratulations!
Today you can predict.
You're off to Great Places!
To Pee on a Stick!

You have a pricey device in your hand.
You have a window of time.
You will enter sketchy places
With hopes of seeing more than 1 line.

OH! 
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO! (...to take an ovulation test)

You'll be on an airplane!
You'll be a contortionist!
People waiting will judge you
You, the TSA will blacklist.

JetBlue Airplane

You'll do it at work.
The last stall will be your lab.
Your coworkers will think
Your bowels need rehab.

At Work: When you walk into the stall with OPK stick in hand & you bump into your CEO.

You will do it at a theater

Where you used to work.

With biddies and blue hairs

Around your stall they will lurk.

You'll be in an instance
Where balance is key.
Don't do as I did
That train porter is now damaged, yes sirree.

High Speed Acela Amtrak Train and by high speed I mean warp speed taking every corner at the exact time you close the door

You may be out of the comforts of your own home.
Remember to boost the shampoo, the conditioner and the comb.
Word to the wise of the minibar where you may roam.
Your hormonal state may cause you to eat that $40 Toblerone.
Being on the road for work is beyond exhausting I must say,
Beware of the handle to the left of the sink as it ends up being the bidet.

Fancy Ass Hotel on a business trip

You will come to a place where the bathrooms look cryptic.

Not to mention the stalls look apocalyptic.

A place you could catch diseases that run the gambit!

Why does it look like a wet dog shook off, dammit??!

Penn Station

What it finally feels like to do the test in the comforts of your our own bathroom

So...
be it a port-o, an outhouse, a latrine
or a commode,
Lines that look like Sanskrit
You'll sit and decode!
Your loo is waiting.
So go stand in line!
Soon you'll see the happy face
And enjoy one last wine.

Hysterosalpingogram: I'm Paying You to Do What?!?

Hey kids. Today I went to Newton-Wellesley Hospital for my Hysterosalpingogram or HSG for short. I had done a little research in advance, through friends who had experienced this as well as on the web.  And through my experience with this I want to tell any woman who is reading this to stop Googling.  It is nothing but a recipe for confusion and disaster- that is unless it brought you here to this blog, then Googling is the best choice you've ever made.  I had a myriad of experiential stories from friends from "meh, I went straight to work after" to "it will hurt like hell".  I also tried to

look up the procedure on the web to see how people prepare- they told me to take 600mg of Advil. Have you seen me?  I have more surgery scars on me than Michael Jackson (#toosoon).  600mg isn't going to touch me.  Then I wanted to see how medical websites describes the procedure.  Stop it.  I don't know who lets WebMD still continue to exist on the interwebs, but they are probably the same people who invented Candy Crush (why can't I quit you?) or the people that keep saying, "You know that Nicholas Sparks book?  Let's make that into a movie!".

So, I'll list here my experience, take it or leave it, but you know it's gonna have some good gifs so you might as well read on.  When you first get called in by a nurse, you strip from the waist down and put on a hospital gown.  Another of my favorite things- being naked from the waist down in a public

place. Not only that, they gave me one gown to put on where the ties are in the back and another to wear like a robe backwards so you don't have to walk around the halls pinching it closed like a dog chasing his tail.  But on the second gown, they hadn't buttoned the parts at the top that actually form the arm holes.  Now.  I'm not an idiot.  I have a degree from a solid college (that I'm still paying off and probably will until my own child goes to college) and work in a pretty challenging job.  I couldn't for the life of me figure out how they snap together.  I

ended up, in haste, throwing it around me like a matador.  And, of course, when I get nervous I get chatty and the nurse complimented my sandals.  I said, "Yeah, I wanted to wear something that complimented a hospital gown, but didn't say 'I'm trashy'". Then you go into an imaging room and climb up on a large X-ray bed.  Then they put what feels like a brick wrapped in a thin sheet at the very small of your back in order to tilt your pelvis backwards.  Then they tell you to put your feet on these little balls that kind of feel like stepping on a baseball directly on the arch of your foot.  Now the next part, I'm not going to go into great detail, but basically they "Jack Cousteau" you (artist's rendering below).  They dilate the cervix, insert a radio

active dye into your uterus and take xrays as they see it travel through to the fallopian tubes, which tells you that your baby makin' pipes are clear. Guys put on earmuffs for this part: The most painful part is the speculum.  It feels like they are recreating the Holland Tunnel inside your body.  The cramping from the dye being inserted into the uterus isn't that bad at all.  In total the procedure probably takes about 4 minutes (but in all honesty it will feel as long at this:)

and you will leave feeling ok, but honestly, you'll just want to go home, put on your big girl sweats and eat cheese puff balls.  Follow your instincts.  I went back to work- asshat.  The good news is that my parts are in working order.  The bad new is that I screamed an expletive during the procedure that would make George Carlin blush.

How Many Euphemisms Can I Use?Period

Posted by Kate

Hello!

If you have ever waited for a train when you're already running late, with an important presentation you are leading schedule to start in 10 minutes when your commute will take 20 minutes and you ate Indian food for breakfast before chugging a hot soda while also doing jumping jacks... that is the best way for me to convey the last 2 weeks.  What can I say? I'm a fan of painting a vivid picture.

The stage we were/are in of OBM (refresher: Operation Baby Makin') is the final tests before you actually "do the deed"- I can already see I'm going to try to find as many euphemisms for insemination as I can and contributions from the reading audience are welcome.  Previously, on Kate's TMI Journey:

We had blood test results saying we were disease free (high five!), discovered our blood types and CMV statuses.

We then had to wait for the... .... .... visit from Aunt Flo for the next tests.  My body decided to pull a "Miley at the VMAs" and go buck wild.  We waited and waited and Flo was a no-show.  The doc at RSC had me come in for a blood test (I am actually shocked I still have any blood left in my body after all the sticks) to test my hormone levels. They called me later that day and said that they needed to help the "crimson wave come to

shore". The doctor put me on Progesterone for 10 days, to be taken right before bed. Let me tell you, this may not be the same for anyone else that has been on the same pills, but I had some crazy ass dreams.  Take the plot of "Beatlejuice" add some characters from Walking Dead and random appearances of Steve Buscemi's teeth. So 10 nights of less sleep than what a Kate needs in order to ensure she doesn't speak in tongues the following morning.  Accounts online said that some people have seen the arrival of the "cotton pony" after a couple of days on the pills, but the true purpose of the medication is to build the lining on the uterine wall and then when you stop taking the meds, the lining sheds bringing on "your special friend".  The treatment started August 14th. Let me also add that we were scheduled to leave on a plane to California the morning of August 30th and the tests must be done on the 3rd day (possibly the 2nd if need be) of "your monthly visitor". So, to keep this from becoming a "2 trains left from separate stations" math formula:
Last pill would be taken on Friday, August 23rd

My body is expecting the hormone still on Saturday, August 24, but it doesn't get any.

Sunday, August 25th...we're getting terribly close to this all happening while we're in CA, which would mean we'd miss our chance to do these "Day 3" tests and have to wait another month. Talk about pressure.

Sunday came and I've never willed anything to come more in my entire life. My Google search history on my phone looking for ways to encourage the "Panty Shields Up, Captain!" officially will keep me from running for office.  I started to be a nervous wreck (if I was that bad, don't ask about Meg) and my hormones were more up and down that Charley Sheen.  I was taking 2,000mg of Vitamin C, oil of Primrose and any other thing the internet told me to do. Time was racing and our trip was approaching. I woke up Tuesday morning at 3:30 from another Rob Zombie-like nightmare and still nothing.  I laid back down in bed and willed myself to sleep. After using all of my lives in Candy Crush I gave up and just got ready for work.  Then it happened. Just in the nick of time. I immediately told Meg to which we high fived... It seemed appropriate.  Then called the clinic. Thursday morning I went in for an ultrasound (when I

walked in the song "Your Body is a Wonderland" by John Mayer came on- touché) to check the engine, look for oil leaks and check the spark plugs (I actually know ridiculously little about cars so that sentence may be a load of crap. They located my ovaries quickly, said everything looked to be in good shape (a tiny cyst on my left ovary, but that's common in most women and to be of no concern) and counted the follicles on each.  Average women with no issues have between 5-10 and I had 11 in one ovary and 13 in the other. They then took my blood to check E2, FSH, LH hormone levels and all was good.  Later that day I met with a new OBGYN, as currently my yearly exams are done by my Primary Care and as much as I love Marie at Davis Square Family Practice (if you live in the greater Somerville/Boston area and don't see her you need to reevaluate your life choices- she's amazing & sees everyone that has ever lived at 22 Thorndike aka Meg's old apt- it's a lot of damn people) she can't deliver babies. I chose an OBGYN at Mt Auburn Hospital Women's Center and later we'll be able to attend an open house to meet all of their doctors and Midwives. I honestly didn't know what a midwife was and I'm still not entirely sure, but to my understanding they can do almost everything an OB can do with the exception of emergency surgery.  Also, I envision midwives to be a little like your guidance counselor where they talk to you about feelings, teach you how to care for a baby and write a recommendation for your application to Undergrad.

So let's talk next steps.  Thursday I go into Newton-Welsley Hospital for an HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) test- bonus points if you use that word in a game of Words With Friends.  They inject contrast dye into your uterus and watch it come out your fallopian tubes to make sure the "pipes are free and clear".  I've been told that this can be painful so... awesome.  And as I am typing this I am on the way back from our 2nd Anniversary vaca in CA where I just did my first ovulation test in the bathroom of a JetBlue Airbus. At this point we are just testing to see how it fits into our basal body temp  charting to help plan for the first opportunity we will have to "try".  To answer the burning question I'm sure you all have on your mind, no they do not sell "Yay I'm ovulating!"  T-shirts in Sky Mall.

Why We Choose To Blog

Meg's Perspective:
Are you wondering why we chose to share the details of this otherwise personal process with, well, basically anyone with a computer and internet access (or mooching off of internet access)

For more please visit my tumblr:
http://idtapintothat.tumblr.com/ (end shameless plug)

?
I’ll admit, as the pragmatic half of this duo, I questioned how wise it was to embark on this blogging adventure. In the end though, I think it will be a cathartic process for us, an easy way to keep our friends/family up to date on the process, and perhaps most importantly- a resource for other couples who will take this journey after us.

When we started thinking about making a family, we had many, many questions and since this is 2013, we naturally turned to the interwebs for answers. Considering it’s 2013, it was harder to find blogs with personal accounts of the two-mom insemination process than I would have thought. There are a fair number of blogs about heterosexual women experiencing infertility, which is at the same time similar and completely different from what we’re about to do. So I agreed to let Kate blog about all this...and as it turns out, I’m even blogging myself.

Here are some other lesbian mom-to-be blogs we’ve found entertaining and educational:

http://twomomsmakearight.com/

http://lesbianbabymaker.wordpress.com/

http://andbabymakes3hopefully.wordpress.com/

http://areyoumymoms.wordpress.com

Kate’ perspective:

I agree with Meg that there isn't enough lesbian perspective out there, in a mom-to-be way.  I also think the bog makes it easier to keep friends and family informed of how things are going.  There are going to be some topics that are easier to blog/talk about than others, but I think it's the best way to tell everyone the full story.  I think most people are used to just hearing me tell long-winded stories and I can vouch that I probably forget 42% of everything that happened, locations sometimes change and somehow Tina Fey

becomes a part of the discussion.  Nothing wrong with that, but Meg's POV usually helps to clear those up so.... voila.  Also, Tina Fey stays in. Always.

There are so many things we want to know.  Others who have gone through the process.  What were all the steps like?  How did you know which donor to choose?  How do you tell people?  How do you tell the child?  What should we tell the child to call us?  What if my child comes out and doesn't like showtunes? These things matter, people!

I Like My Men Like I like My Beer: Chilled and In a Six Pack

Since we have a little downtime while we wait for things to-ahem-cycle

....I thought I’d talk a little about choosing a sperm donor. This will be one of many posts about making the decision, as it’s not something we’re taking lightly.

Meg's perspective:

First of all-some people use known donors, some choose unknown. Kate and I talked about using a known donor, such as someone related to me so the child would be somewhat genetically related to me. I don’t have any biological brothers and my male cousins are a little young to be saddled with such a life-long decision. Plus, it would feel weird me that my kid was also my 2nd cousin. We considered asking my step-brother, who fits all of our criteria: tall, athletic, smart. But then we imagined Christmas with his kids and our kids...and how we would explain that they’re both

step-cousins and half-siblings (?!?!). Ultimately we decided against even asking him and his wife to consider it. (PS: Hi Dave! This is probably news to you!)  We considered a number of our male friends, but assumed they would want to be involved as parents, and we’re not interested in that. We are also aware of the legal considerations one needs to take when using a known donor, including the donor signing away his parental rights and agreeing to be tested for just about every disease in the world. Plus, in order to be inseminated by most doctors, the sperm has to be frozen, so the donor would have to go through a sperm bank. Are you seeing dollar signs? Because I am.

For all of these reasons and more, we’ve decided to go with an unknown donor, which means we’ll be combing through sperm banks for...what exactly?

Do we care if the donor is strongly religious and therefore probably donating in order to populate the world with more Catholics/Baptists/etc? Do we want our future kiddo(s) to be able to seek out the donor when the kiddo turns 18? Do we pay extra to see baby pictures of the donor? Is it totally vain of me to eliminate a donor because his handwriting is atrocious??

Someone who looks like me, the non-bio mom? Or just someone amazingly tall, handsome, naturally thin and very smart? The kid is never going to be half genetically mine, so does it matter if he/she looks like me? Do we pick someone with my ethnic background?

As you can see, right now we have more questions than answers. We recently got together with some friends of ours who successfully got pregnant using donor sperm and are expecting their little one soon. They’ve been kind enough to share their experience with us and it was so helpful to hear about their journey. It’s kind of crazy that we get to/have to choose half of our child’s DNA. It is an undeniably huge responsibility and I think it’s safe to say we’re both a little worried about making the right choice. Does anybody out there have any advice for two future moms-to-be who seek a sperm donor?

Kate's perspective:

While I'm mostly here to contribute comical nuggets, gifs and a womb, I do actually struggle with this topic. Honest to God we have discussed (mostly joking) going to a decent Boston bar (in the financial district for a better shot at "smart sperm") taking a few shots and ... well, you see where this is going.

The process is so odd and surreal. You're looking at profiles like you're shopping on Amazon.  

So, do we want tall? But not too tall. Blonde hair like Meg's? Brown like mine- I mean auburn... Shut up.  College student or adult that has established himself? To quote Meg as we sat at Panera after our first appointment at the clinic, "I want him to be smart but not super smart. No PhD in philosophy, cause those guys piss me off."

I will give bonus points to any donor that:
A. Makes references to "Drop Dead Gorgeous"

B. Sites Aaron Sorkin as the greatest writer of all time.

C. Exhibits sassy wit.

Do I care what he sounds like? Not unless he has an amazing singing voice because this child is gonna know showtunes. 

There's so much to consider and so much pressure as you are basically designing your child. Should he have athletic ability since I can barely walk without falling down?

Should he have a ridiculous sense of humor so we can spout "Will & Grace" quotes back and forth? Should he have tan skin so the child doesn't have to experience the feeling of blinding people on the first warm day of summer? Also....do sperm banks do Super Saver Shipping?

CMV, CVS & OPP: We're Down With Them All

If there’s one thing most people know about me (and this is Meg "speaking"), it’s that I’m terribly impatient. After our last appointment, we had to wait a full week before calling in to find out the results of our blood tests. I realize this is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of waiting- I hear the “two week wait” is truly agonizing. That's the two weeks between an insemination and being able to take a

pregnancy test. I’m sure you’ll all have the pleasure of hearing me lament about that later.

Anyway, a week after our initial appointment, Kate called RSC to find out about our blood tests. I still can’t believe I had to have blood tests at all, as the non-bio Mom. I guess it’s important to make sure I’m free of infectious disease just in case we contract a disease later from our baby. The blood tests give us proof that we were initially disease-free. We were assured this was just a precaution and very rarely happens. Anyway, we “passed” this first round of blood test and learned a couple things that will impact our sperm donor choose.

#1- Kate has a positive blood type, which means our sperm donor can have a positive or negative blood type. That’s good as it keeps our options a little more open.

Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P.,
shouldn't we keep the P.C.
on the Q.T.? 'Cause if it leaks
to the V.C. he could end up M.I.A.,
and then we'd all be put out in K.P.

#2- Kate and I are both negative for CMV. If you’re like me, you have no idea what this means or why it matters. According to stopcmv.org, Cytomegalovirus (CMV) is a common virus that infects people of all ages and is usually harmless to people with a healthy immune system. Most people have been exposed to CMV at some point in their lifetime without realizing it. Something like 80% of women in the United States have had CMV and would therefore test positive. Oddly enough, both Kate and I are negative. What this means is that we have to choose a sperm donor who is also negative (aka: has never had this extremely common virus). That narrows our options considerably.

#3- Kate has slightly low Vitamin D levels. Don’t we all nowadays? No biggie- we stocked up on

supplements with a buy-one-get-one coupon from CVS (Chuck- aren’t you proud of us???)

Kate's Artist Rendering of Fallopian Tubes

So our next steps are to get a few more tests that need to happen at a certain point in Kate’s cycle. I can’t even remember what they are- something about how many egg follicles are visible and if her fallopian tubes are free flowing. None of that is medically correct, but close enough. Those tests will hopefully occur over the next 2-4 weeks. Assuming we get the green light on all of those tests, we’ll go forward with choosing a sperm 



donor (Kate: don't you worry, we're gonna blog the crap out of that experience) and hopefully do our first insemination in...October? November? Stay tuned....