My First Insemination: It Only Felt Like a Little Prick

Hey team.  So after seeing our positive ovulation predictor test I called the clinic immediately (Saturday at 7pm).  They are "open" 7 days a week, but over the holiday weekend they had someone (wo)manning the phones that are checked periodically.  We waited and waited and didn't hear back until 10:30 Sunday morning.  Which, in reality, is fine because you have a 24-36 hour window of time to inseminate after getting a positive ovulation test, but in medicated/trying to conceive land you are Whitney Houston/Alice Ripley/Kirk Cameron crazy. You turn into that person that calls a number a billion times with varying emotional messages ranging from 1 to Chris Brown.  And then they call you and you profusely apologize for being the crazy girl in the room.  They scheduled me for insemination Monday (12/2) at 9:30am.  So Meg and I did exactly what one would do before getting sperm injected in you.  I ate sushi (a pregnancy no-no), a hot dog (who knew? not allowed.) and had a gin and tonic.  Then we binge watched "Nurse Jackie" and decorated the Christmas tree.  What can I say?  We go hard or go home.

I woke up this morning feeling like I was about to take an exam and for those that don't know me, I don't test well.  I get all nervous and make horrible jokes and start talking in nonsensical sentences. In other words, I become Fox news.  So anyway, we sat down in the clinic waiting room and waited to be called in.  Eventually a nurse pulled us into a small office and informed us that the first vial of sperm they thawed had a low motility count (below the guarantee from the sperm bank).   I felt a wave of disappointment hit me- are we going to have to do all of this again another month without even trying???  She then said that they could thaw another vial and combine the two for an even stronger shot and we would be able to contact the donor bank for a refund on the low motility one anyway and we could do this in about 30 minutes.

When you have spent a large chunk of your savings on all of this I was delighted to hear about the refund. We'll see how that goes. Perhaps a post for another day?


We went back to an exam room and met our insemination nurse practitioner, Paula, who- first of all- is a DE-light.  Secondly she informed us that she is nicknamed the "Lesbinator" as she always tends to end up doing the inseminations for same sex couples.  Her patients have even made her a superhero sketch.  I CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP.  After having Meg write that down and proclaiming, "I'm SO blogging about this!" she had me lay back into the stirrups.  The whole procedure took about 5 minutes and the only tough part is the speculum.  For anyone that is not familiar with a speculum and what it does, it's basically like this but on your lady parts:

And if you're lucky they warm it up first.

After she was all done I hung out for15 minutes with my hips elevated. We ended up talking to the nurse about what types of cheese to avoid while I might be pregnant (and when I am, of course). Now we wait 2 weeks and do a pregnancy test.

Also.  They gave us the (totally cleaned and sanitized) vial that the sperm came in so we could deal with the sperm bank refund. My head started to fill with ideas for a baby book and making it into an ornament...anyway, I threw it into my purse on our way out.  Then, to keep tradition alive, I went to Panera because I "deserved" a grilled cheese and tomato soup.  And guess what I grabbed first when I was reaching for my wallet?  Yup.