I Never Knew Paranoia Until I Was 4 weeks Pregnant

Hey team.  So now that the glitter has settled on the floor... oh, I'm sorry... you haven't heard?

Meg's aunt knitted
this baby hat in a day y'all

First of all, thank you for all of your congratulations and well wishes! We're really touched. We know that pregnancies typically aren't announced until after 12+ weeks (the risk of loss reduces after the 1st trimester), but when we decided to start this blog we knew we would need to make this announcement early.  It's something we really gave a lot of thought to before even starting this blog. As we've said before, 50% of this blog is to keep friends and family up-to-date on our process, 50% to educate and 15% to peddle my humor.   I'm also bad at math.  Anyway, we feel like we're all in this together now! That being said, we are optimistically holding our breath until each update from our RE and soon our OBGYN.

So, with that said, let's go back to last week.  Tuesday was 10 DPIUI and that morning I caved and took a First Response Early Results pregnancy test. I looked at the test mentally telling myself, "You're not out of the game yet if it's negative... it's still early."  I picked it up and I saw the slightest line.  I ran around trying to look at it in different light and took 800 pictures altering it with different photo filters. #crazypants, but there was something there. Meg was already on her way to work, so I texted a picture to her and then it hit me... I took a 250mg HCG trigger shot 10 days previous.  What if this positive is really just reading the remainder of the HCG in my system.  Thus began a Google frenzy of epic proportions.  Even though the internet pretty solidly confirmed that all of the HCG from the shot was out of my system, I got so little sleep.  Can't drink and can't pop <sleeping> pills.  The things you do for love.

The next morning I got up and tested again- this time the line was little darker... it should get lighter if it was only the trigger shot leaving my system right?  Another day of obsessive Googling- trigger shot Hcg leaves your system with a half life of about 24 hours.  So technically it should have been out of my system after 7 days post trigger shot and we were at 13.  We had 2 more days to wait for blood work and you know what that means?  Yeah I gotta buy more pregnancy tests.  Don't worry Dad, I found coupons online.  Thursday I woke up at 1am and HAD to go to the bathroom.  I actually had to go a lot more lately and I didn't want to think that it was a good sign.  That same day I started to break out like I was back in middle school again- minus the track suit and mimicking my eye make-up after Barbra Streisand circa "Funny Girl".  Since I did get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I felt my FMU (firs morning's urine) wasn't "potent" enough and that may have caused the line that showed up to not be *much darker* than the day before.  HcG should double every 48 hours.  Friday we had a blood test, but you know I had to test at home before heading to the doctor (thanks for not thinking I'm crazy Meg or, at least, not saying it out loud). Friday morning we got solid two dark lines on one test and a positive digital test, too! 5 Excruciating hours later, the doctor confirmed that the blood test results were also positive.

So.  Our families are ELATED, but they're in the same cautiously optimistic boat we're in. So

prayers/good thoughts/theme related showtune mix tapes are welcome as we get through the next few crucial weeks. This morning I went back to the RE for follow-up blood tests to make sure my HCG levels are doubling as they should. More on that later.

Right now: I could sleep at any and every moment of the day.

I have so much make-up on my face covering my pregnancy related acne that it's become the consistency of spackle.

 And I want to eat all the time.

Our family surprised us with
our first baby gifts (that sonograph is somebody else's baby. 
Creepy, but also sweet.)

This TWW Update Brought to You By Ellen & the 2014 Oscars

Hey team.  So we left off at our latest attempt in OBM (Operation Baby Makin') by way of ovulation monitoring including several ultrasounds to measure follicles and blood work to measure LH (Luteinizing Hormone) and Progesterone.  We got the thumbs up on Thursday the 20th that I had a baller follicle and my Be-uterine lining was also stellar.  Then Meg shot me in the stomach... with a needle of HCG to help induce ovulation within 36 hours and on Saturday the 22nd we inseminated!

The past two weeks have been as rough as any TWW we've experienced.  I spent the first 7 days telling myself every second that I need to remember that I took a shot that injected me with a pregnancy hormone and that "those feelings" aren't real.  And then obsessively Google how long it takes to get that mess out of your system so you can cave to the early testing we inevitably cave to.  I chose to think as positively as possible this cycle.  We did EVERYTHING we could possibly do other than IVF to make this cycle as optimal as possible so I chose to think that we ARE going to be pregnant.  Well, that is until one day during the cycle- maybe

hormones, maybe I was hangry- when the thought weaseled into my mind, "You might not be- again." And then a negative pregnancy test image popped into my head.  That was my version of saying "that Scottish play" in a theater.  It took me days to come out of that funk.  But, again, I'm forcing myself to think positively.  Reminding myself we did everything possible to make this happen and, also, that timing things just right to make a baby is harder than that Flappy Bird game.

I have also been communicating more with friends who are going through this/have been through this- thanks ladies, you're all gems.  I can't stress this enough- if you are choosing to go through this venture it is beyond necessary to have proper support.  Because you can't have booze.  Don't get me wrong, Meg is my rock.  But sometimes you need to discuss irrational feelings with another person who has been through this Rock n' Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith-like journey.  Or when you need to talk about bodily functions that would only chip away at the incredibly sexy image of myself I have

Potential Baby Name?

meticulously crafted in Meg's mind <sarcasm>.  And sometimes you let your crazy emotions join forces with your positive vibes and start talking about things that you would normally say fall into the "jinx bucket" of conversations, like potential baby names.  But with your Soul Cysters (I can take no credit for that one- thanks internet) it's totally kosher.  But really.  Find your outlets.

So now we wait until Friday morning for blood work.  So pray to whatever deity you believe in that we get good news.

Reproductive Systems Be Like: Psych

So I got the call and it is a big fat negative.

What it feels like trying to get pregnant

We actually did feel like things were different this time.  And I think the nurses that have called me the last two times are thrown off that I don't break down into a Scarlet O'Hara type hot mess upon hearing the news.  I simply take a moment, suck back the tears and say, "Ok, what's our new game plan?"  I can cry when I'm in a dark, isolated, soundproof location like any emotionally repressed Catholic-raised person would do.  The nurse said that we will continue the Clomid plan and to call on the first day of my next cycle (let's pray another cyst hasn't formed).  I then brought up that I think, with the issues of PCOS

When you're reading a pregnancy
test and you think you see a +,
but it's like looking at one of those
pixelated paintings they had in the mall
that when your eyes crossed you saw
the 3D picture (which I lied b/c I could
NEVER see them).

and my irregular results from the OPK this cycle, that I would like to bring out bigger ammo.  So we are going to add on follicle monitoring (observing the growth and maturity of the follicles to pinpoint the right moment of ovulation instead of relying on a stick that I pee on) as well as a trigger shot.  Combined with the Clomid, the trigger shot 'tells' your body (it injects a massive does of HCG), "Listen Honey, you better release an egg or Kate's gonna go Jaoquin Phoenix crazy".  So... Next steps- wait for next cycle, call insurance to verify coverage again, day 3 take Clomid and start monitoring.  But- this also means I'm gonna have some new material for the blog, so that's the silver lining of today's news.  Inappropriate gifs will abound.

So yes, I am sad.

Yes, I am incredibly disappointed (both in the negative test results and in my body, which makes me feel like a failure for not working correctly).  But we must look forward, right?

And as for this weekend.. at least I can drink. Enough said.

Being Strong the Night Before: This Post Endorsed By Michelle Obama's Arms

Hey team.  So tomorrow's the day we find out if second time's a charm.  I decided to do this post a little differently.  This time around I feel like I'm a pro (no, I'm not) and that I know everything that's coming around the bend (you're welcome for getting Pocahontas' "Just Around the River Bend" stuck in your head #disney).  None of that is true, but we are in semi-familiar territory.  This time I knew not to think every little cramp in my abdomen was a "thing".  This time around I had better things to do than to stare at the size of my chest in the mirror wondering if the girls were getting bigger- well, ok, so I did do that when I was housebound during the snow storm...  Some things that I did do: I allowed myself to think that it could happen, even daydreaming about future events I would attend as "pregnant Kate".  I spent a little bit of time looking at baby clothes and nursery ideas.  And I might have cried at a Ford commercial and then yelled at trashcan because clearly it caused the garbage bag to get stuck and rip, spilling the contents all over the ground. Yeah, I might have.

But I also remembered last time.  To be honest, we both, kind of, felt like it was going to happen for us on the first try.  That we would be that lesbian couple that broke the odds.  Then we would walk out of the reproductive clinic in our sensibly shoes under a saber arch held by the tallest members of the WNBA followed by a trail of adopted animals.  But it didn't happen that way.  And we dealt with that, and then dealt with the side affect of Clomid- creating a cyst that prolonged us trying again for another month.  Then a VERY confusing ovulation testing experience (most likely tied to Clomid) so I was left hoping that the results were right and not skewed from the meds.  And then another two week wait.  Whoever makes a woman wait 2 weeks with raging hormones for the potential of having a baby while also allowing us no booze is sadist.

We've also had a lot of support- it increases with each post.  The amount of people who have "come out" about their struggles to get pregnant and who were willing to share their story with us is astounding.   So bravo to you, ladies.

This time there were things I experienced that were very different than last time... things that seem like good signs. But I'm Irish and I believe in jinxing things so I've stopped myself from thinking about that too much.  I'm also a little pessimistic about my body as it has been a bitch to me my whole life so I don't give it a lot of credit.  So let's just do this.  If when I get that call tomorrow and they give me good news we can feel like this...

And if we get bad news again I'm allowed to feel like this...

TWW, The Sequel: Reloaded & Back With a Vengeance

Watching for ovulation.

So we were inseminated on Friday.  This cycle was a little different than the last.  Typically, when using Clearblue Advanced Digital Ovulation tests, you get 1-2 days of a flashing smiley face telling you that your fertility is high (for straighties who get their "junk" for free it means you can start trying now to optimize your window) which serves as a heads up.  After the 2 day flashing smiley you then should receive a solid smiley face indicating you are at your peak and should ovulate sometime in the next 12-24 hours.  Well I didn't receive my solid smiley face until I'd had 4 days of flashing smileys which really threw me for a loop.  After much research (internet you are both my bff and my worst enemy) I learned that Clomid can lead to jacked up readings on your OPK tests.  Shit.

How I feel about stressing over sperm
motility. #really?!

We hope, much like anyone else in this process, that we got the timing right.  We also learned that the specimen that was thawed for our Friday insemination was lower motility.  Not below standards, but not super high.  Our fertility doctor said that it was fine to use and after last insemination where we ended up combining two samples (which didn't work any better) we thought it would be fine.

We are now on day 4 of our TWW (two week wait) and it is so much different this time.  Last time I thought any little move would "shake things loose" and had an initial fear of peeing because "what if I peed it out"... If you haven't figured this out by now, trying to have a baby makes you cray cray.  I'm going to reiterate this for anyone else in the TWW reading this.  There are no definitive signs during this time to tell you you're pregnant.  So, no, it's just gas from that burrito you ate.  I don't mean to be an asshat, but I spent many a night scouring the internet with the same questions.  I also am ashamed of how little I knew about my own female anatomy.

It hasn't gotten this bad.

So this time I'm not treating myself like "The Boy in the Plastic Bubble." I'm still avoiding alcohol and unpasteurized foods and limiting caffeine, but this time I'm hitting the gym (gently).  I am in a crafting crazy mode again-  this time I'm knitting- shut up with the old cat lady jokes.  And, as luck would have it, I'm going to be traveling for work on the day I'm supposed to go in for my pregnancy blood test so we're going to have to wait a couple extra days to find out for sure. We'll call this one the T+WW.

12 Days of TTC Christmas: But No Pressure, Y'all...

"Venture" LOL Grandma

We wanted to share some of the Christmas cards with best wishes on our TTC journey.  But no pressure guys. ;)  In honor of the holidays...

On the twelfth day of Christmas my TTC gave to me- 
12 phlebotomists with the shakes.
11 months of poking (heh) & prodding.
10 Clomid ugly cries.
9 stirrup leg cramps.
8 pics of my ovaries.
7 new fad diets.
6 awkward Google search histories.
5 sketchy OPK bathroom testssssssssss.
4 letter word yelled at a speculum.
3 B-uterus compliments.
2 legs in the air.
And a vial of sperm & a testing stick no one can read.

BFN: Tryin' to Be Positive About Being Negative

So, in all honesty, we couldn't wait to test.  We tested Saturday morning and Sunday morning.  Both were BFN, or to translate, Big Fat Negative.  But we've talked to friends who experienced the same thing and when they took the blood test they were, in fact, positive.  So, aside from the fact I was late (my cycle was late I mean) I was hanging onto that.  The TWW (two week wait) is one of the hardest things to go through.  As we chatted before, It's All Sequins & Legs In the Air: Surviving the Two Week Wait & TWW From a Wife's POV & Why Craft Store Stocks Shot Up.  You kind of go through the stages of grief in a way.



1. Denial and Isolation: For the first few days I treated myself like the "boy in a bubble".  I reduced my workout schedule to just walking and legit got nervous if I hit a bump in my car- "What if that shakes the egg!?!?".  I nested hardcore.  I also immediately cut out alcohol, lunch meats, most seafood, caffeine... it wasn't pretty the first few days.  I skipped a company holiday party that was at the gorgeous Liberty Hotel because a) there was an open bar I couldn't make friends with b) I was leery of being out and about- what if someone's sick?  What if someone bumps me???  #crazy

2. Anger- Why the hell are all of my friends getting pregnant???  And why are all the symptoms of pregnancy the same as the symptoms you get right before you get your period?!!?!  And why did "West Wing" end?

3. Bargaining- I feel like my boobs are getting bigger.  Are they?  Can I ask Meg to compare?  Is that weird?  Should I ask a stranger to compare?




4. Depression- I just got a call (thanks RSC New England for not making a girl wait) and it is negative for pregnancy.





5. Acceptance- I got the call in between a fun-filled packed day of quarterly business presentations with my client which is kind of a blessing in disguise.  It made me put on my big girl pants (even though I'm down 17 pounds- sorry- gotta find a silver lining somewhere) and suck up the couple of tears I felt well up and talk about oral care (it's my job, but it's also a great opportunity for 'that's what she said jokes' and, yes, Meg is still thrilled about this <sarcasm>).  The nurse was very sympathetic and offered the

option to take a break.  My first thought was, "Are you kidding me?!  We gotta keep going."

So, we start over.  Wait for my next cycle to start, take an upped level of Clomid (oh good, let's jack up my emotions over the holidays- sorry everyone), wait for ovulation and do another IUI.  A couple of things I did learn from my chat was that our reproductive center calls shenanigans on daily temping.  This is a method used by many women to help predict patterns in their cycle by taking their BBT (basal body temperature) first thing in the morning.  Spikes and drops are supposed to tell you when certain things are going/did happen.  RSC believes, as do I now after 9 months of doing this, that this isn't reliable.  They feel that OPK testing is best.  I expressed concern that even though I don't have full blown PCOS I do have one particular issue tied to it that I don't ovulate normally.  They offered an option called monitoring which would involve me having blood taken on a regular basis after menstruation ended so that blood work could confirm ovulation instead of relying on an over-the-counter test.  My initial thought is- If we are making sure we are going at this 100% since the start with every test I've gone under, why not ensure the most important part is actually happening?  These will be things that Meg and I will discuss tonight and you know we'll keep you updated here.  Meanwhile, I'm gonna half-ass the rest of this day, go home and get a little sloppy.