Fertility Monitoring: So There I Was, Pants Around My Ankles

Whoever thought to use
oven mitts on stirrups
is a freaking genius.

View from the
ultrasound table.

Today I went in for the start of my fertility
monitoring and blood work.  Or as I like to call it "Poke and Prod"day.  The first part was the ultrasound.  My nurse greeting me with "Drop trou and take a seat on the throne!" The ultrasound went great- they check out the lining of your uterus- I was at 7.8mm- they are looking for something in between 7-10mm.  She also checked out my follicles, which also sounds like a pick-up line (follicles are responsible for releasing the egg).  She had a good count on both ovaries.  They also take blood to check estrogen levels.  Normally I'm an easy stick (heyo), but it took 4 tries and on the third try I felt a jolt through my body and radiating soreness run through my arm.  I'm not sure what happened, but I'm pretty positive I screamed something that rivaled the F-word count from "Wolf of Wall Street".

Although I was diagnosed with PCOS, I am very lucky to not have major fertility issues such as a blocked tube.  We decided to do the extra monitoring this cycle to make the most out of the try. We are investing a lot into this, financially and emotionally, so I wanted to make sure we are doing the most we can do to get it right. We are hopeful that my insurance will cover most of the monitoring, but we can't seem to get a clear answer from anyone, despite many hours sitting on hold with the insurance company. If insurance ends up not paying for me, you'll find me crying in the corner over our credit card bill. We'll keep you updated!

Another thing that happened is my grandmother passed away this morning.  I had the chance to be with her last weekend and, although she feared technology, she was up-to-date on this blog because each time I posted I would print it out and mail the latest entry to her.  She was the most southern of southern women, but was so accepting of me, Meg and the path we were taking to start a family.  She was fading last night so I called my mother who was by her side to the end.  My mom said, "I think you should tell her you're pregnant." And, while it's not the truth, I had also thought the same thing.  It would make her happy and it wasn't going to hurt anyone.  It wasn't until my mother held the phone to her ear and I struggled to say the words that this whole process, all the work, money, and blood (literally) and tears that have
that has gone into this hit me as hard as it would ever hit.  Even through the unspeakable pain that my grandmother was experiencing, my father said she raised her arms off the bed in celebration.

So.  Next steps.  My hormone levels were good- no surge detected (typically a surge of LH will happen between days 12-16).  And I'll go back in for another ultrasound and more blood work on Thursday morning.  Our  trigger shot will be arriving in the mail tomorrow so we will be ready to inject as soon as they give us the ok- this is the shot that Meg will have to inject in my behind.  I'm already preparing an arsenal of gifs for this experience.  Heh. ARSenal.

Reproductive Systems Be Like: Psych

So I got the call and it is a big fat negative.

What it feels like trying to get pregnant

We actually did feel like things were different this time.  And I think the nurses that have called me the last two times are thrown off that I don't break down into a Scarlet O'Hara type hot mess upon hearing the news.  I simply take a moment, suck back the tears and say, "Ok, what's our new game plan?"  I can cry when I'm in a dark, isolated, soundproof location like any emotionally repressed Catholic-raised person would do.  The nurse said that we will continue the Clomid plan and to call on the first day of my next cycle (let's pray another cyst hasn't formed).  I then brought up that I think, with the issues of PCOS

When you're reading a pregnancy
test and you think you see a +,
but it's like looking at one of those
pixelated paintings they had in the mall
that when your eyes crossed you saw
the 3D picture (which I lied b/c I could
NEVER see them).

and my irregular results from the OPK this cycle, that I would like to bring out bigger ammo.  So we are going to add on follicle monitoring (observing the growth and maturity of the follicles to pinpoint the right moment of ovulation instead of relying on a stick that I pee on) as well as a trigger shot.  Combined with the Clomid, the trigger shot 'tells' your body (it injects a massive does of HCG), "Listen Honey, you better release an egg or Kate's gonna go Jaoquin Phoenix crazy".  So... Next steps- wait for next cycle, call insurance to verify coverage again, day 3 take Clomid and start monitoring.  But- this also means I'm gonna have some new material for the blog, so that's the silver lining of today's news.  Inappropriate gifs will abound.

So yes, I am sad.

Yes, I am incredibly disappointed (both in the negative test results and in my body, which makes me feel like a failure for not working correctly).  But we must look forward, right?

And as for this weekend.. at least I can drink. Enough said.

It's Like Dating, But I Don't Have To Fake That I Don't Read

Today we want to celebrate two things.

1. We have had over 10,000 visits to this blog.

2. Our good friend (and Meg's old roommate) Brit came over for taco night. Yeah, yeah, get it out of your system.  

And I decided to do an ovulation predictor test: 

My test came up positive for ovulation and we are set to go in sometime in the next 24 hours for our first insemination.

Don't worry team, there's gonna be a whoooooole other post about that experience.

Weight & Pregnancy, or The Curse of the Junk In the Trunk

So as we have discussed before weight is a factor in a successful pregnancy (duh).  So with me "passing inspection" this is the last hurdle.  Fertility clinics have strict rules about BMI (this was one of the 'rules' clinics have accepting you as a patient) and, despite the fact you can be in pretty great health- weight withstanding, they can decline to inseminate you if you are not at or under the BMI cap.  I have been a "big kid" as a child, a "fat girl" as a teen and "heavy woman" as an adult.  Losing weight hasn't been easy for me and, granted, until I was 20-ish I thought potatoes were considered a vegetable... ...

I have, approx, 40 days to lose 6 pounds to get to the weight my fertility doc said I  would need to be to be approved to do insemination according to the clinic rules.  And it's not just about weight loss.  I also need to maintain my vitamin levels (I've been dissing Vitamin D), keep an eye my thyroid, balance new natural vitamins to help with LH (I read an article that says a natural way of helping increase progesterone/Lutenizing Hormones/lengthening your Luteal Stage (the part where your woman parts prepare for the baby bean drops itself like it's hot).  I'm on a cocktail of vitamins and will start taking Clomid soon.  Sorry everyone for the things I do and say- it is not me speaking, it's a concoction of random chemically induced personalities from a range of Tammy Faye Baker to Chris Brown.

But I've also started working out more.  And by more I mean at all.
I've been doing 45+ minutes a day of cardio for 6 days a week.  I also restricted my diet to no gluten,

no unnatural sugars, no sweets, limited cheese, reduced carbs, and maybe 1 drink a week (if I do it's 1 gin and diet tonic).  Now I know what you're thinking and I already left a message for the good folks at Franzia  so it doesn't throw off their inventory.  Most of the time I feel ok, but I don't look forward to eating.  I see my 134,985th day of salads in a row and there's only so much you can do to make a salad appetizing before it crosses the line into taco salad (just because it has lettuce doesn't make it a salad).  Meg and I were on a walk last night and I legit spent a quarter of a mile talking about fried mozzarella sticks and loaded potato skins like I was performing a live reading of "50 Shades of Gray".

Me Trying to Learn ANY Choreography.

 People at work have been telling me to change things up and join a gym with classes.  Then you can transition into pregnancy workout classes then post-pregnancy workout classes.  I am not good at attending classes.  Group workouts stress me out and I am part of the rhythm-less nation and I inevitably will harm myself/classmate/aerobic equipment with what should have been a Burpee and ended up being a Fartee or a downward facing dog that spirals into sideways falling Kate.  Then there are the people telling me to do Zumba.... have you seen me dance at a wedding?  I come prepared with "I'm sorry I kicked you in the face.  I blame Wine and Cher."

How I Feel When I Leave the Gym.

So, I've got 6 pounds to get to the weight my doctor wants me to be at so the clinic will allow the insemination.  Of course I want to lose more, but eye on the prize kids.

The below has nothing to do with this post, other than further proof I was a butterball of a kid, but I found it while looking at childhood photos.

Foreshadowing?

This Is Really Gonna Jack Up My Gmail Ads

As some of you may remember in a previous post (I Like My Men Like I Like My Beer: Chilled and in a Six Pack) we talked about choosing our donor...

So we ordered our donor sperm today.

Now all I have to do is keep working out to get into the BMI safe zone.

Continue do every weird recommendation the web tells me to do to bring on ovulation.

And wait for the the next cycle to start Clomid.

I Would Have Bought Your Donor's Voice Recording, But I Spent All my Money at the Whole Foods Salad Bar

We've previously talked about how we are picking the sperm donor, but the Boston Globe posted an article yesterday that makes things a little more complicated. Basically the article is introducing a new optional procedure to test for 600 genetic childhood diseases. Great right? Sure.  But like most of us going through this journey it isn't like we can drop Benjamins like Big Papi drops home runs (sorry, the Red Sox are in the ALCS.  Any other time and I would know nothing about sports).  I think what the woman in the article went through is terrible, but it does point out another option/resource presented to you in this process that you have to budget for.... or not.  Let me lay out the numbers for you.

Doctor Visits (primary care, gyno, reproductive doc, etc)       $30 copay each time
So much poking and prodding.  But at least they call you the next day. <heyoo>

Testing & Meds (HSG, sonogram, blood tests, hysteroscopy, clomid, etc)  between $30 - $4,000

 **These can vary based upon your insurance coverage.  Simply call your company and they will provide all the answers <sarcasm>






OPK Kits    $22 for a pack of 100 little testing sticks - $36 for a the digital

I'll be honest- if you don't know me I am pretty cheap.  Most of the time I'll take "quality" over QUALITY if it saves me $5.  I also don't test well.  Meaning when I took the SATs in high school I took them 5 times. I'm not dumb, I just rationalize every possible option in a multiple choice.  So when presented with a stick that has two lines and if the lines are remotely dark in comparison you're

ovulating I have a panic attack.  Seriously.  You need a Pantone color swatch book.  "Shit.  I think Line 2 is

Cyan	4
Magenta	82
Yellow	26
Black	0

But Line one has darker tones of magenta?!?!!?"  Save yourself some time, stress and a graphic design degree and get the freakin' digital one.  It's either a circle or a smiley.  Or what I call the remedial OPK testing option.

Donor Sperm     $350-$1,000
We're talking reputable sperm here, people.  Our center works with about 15 different sperm banks around the country.  Meg, being the A+ student of the household, researched all of them and we narrowed our choice to one that will remain nameless here. It has a good amount of options (particularity since my CMV negative status narrows our options) and the pricing is reasonable (I already looked and they don't do Groupons).  We discovered along the way that some places even have bargain bins.... though this time, and I know this is a shock, even I will skip the clearance rack.  Other places, <cough, California, cough> offer "ad-ons" that you (no surprise) have to pay extra for.  Also, check out their donor search button....

Donor Information - Downloadable A La Carte Items
Handwriting Analysis	$20
Express Yourself	$20
Facial Features Report	$20
Donor Voice Recording	$20
Childhood Photo(s)	$20

And then there's shipping  for the sperm     $125-$340     & Storage      $450-$2,550

Blood Pregnancy Test     $70 each month (remember when they made me do one a week ago?!?)

As I've mentioned before, Meg is the planner in our family and, luckily, she builds in our savings from our budget.  There are a lot of pieces of this where you will be faced with financial options from "do we get a donor who looks like Taye Diggs?" to "do we spend a little more for additional testing?".  As long as they don't put these options in a multiple choice format I think we're gonna get through this.

Visualization of your bank account after all of this.

Why, Yes, I Would Like to Host a Parasite

Everyone asks who will carry our child and most people ask how we chose. It was pretty easy for us to decide, since one of us is interested in being pregnant and one of us is not entirely sure and usually leans towards "no thanks."

Meg says:
Anyone who knows me knows that I've long imagined adopting little Asian babies. Ever since I was a young teen, adopting seemed like something I would do. I'm not sure where the idea initially came from, because I'm not adopted and when I was young I didn't know anyone who was adopted. It just always felt right to me. I like to help others when I can and it seems like there are plenty of babies in the world who need parents. I'm confident I could provide them with a good home. And why Asian babies, you might ask? Well really, Asian babies are just the cutest babies around!

The idea of being pregnant has never appealed to me. I can barely get a paper cut without passing out, so all of the medical work-ups involved with being pregnant terrify me. I also have a fair amount of anxiety and I'm a bit of a hypochondriac, so I truly think being pregnant wouldn't be good for my mental health. And I know this blog is supposed to be funny (I'll let Kate take care of that later), but bear with me while I lay out some serious stuff for a minute. The fact that I can't combine my genes with the person I love and produce a child takes all the appeal out of it for me. I want to raise a baby (or two) with Kate, but I don't so much care where the baby comes from. Now, I reserve the right to change my mind. Maybe seeing Kate go through all of this will really make me want to go next....I doubt it, but I'm not ruling it out. (Sorry Mom!)

Some might wonder if I'm disappointed that we're not adopting. The answer is...maybe I was a little, at first. I had a very clear vision of how I'd someday make a family. But this is something Kate really wants to do, and gay married couples can't adopt from Asia (or mostly anywhere else) anymore anyways, so this is just a different path with the same result (a slightly less Asian result, that is).

Kate says:
If you had asked 17 year old Kate (or Katie at the time, I changed my name when I moved up to Massachusetts from Virginia... I'm still not entirely sure why) what she thought her future family would be like she probably would have said, "Oh, I'll meet a nice man who will support my budding stand-up career, we'll adopt kids and sing show tunes while we cook dinner".  Replace man with woman and it's not that far off (I see being an account manager as an opportunity to work on my budding stand-up career. You try making SEO not a snoozefest and tell me it doesn't take skills).
It wasn't until I was in my late 20s (and finally not a closeted homo) that I started to have maternal feelings. Those maternal feelings were fueled by my sister-in-law's two kids and our other sister-in-law having her first child and I had my first experience being an aunt in a child's life from birth.  Let me
tell you, once that flame is lit there's no putting it out.  I can't walk into a children's clothing section in a store without going full on female meltdown.  I emit sounds that only dogs can hear and I find myself rubbing fleece onsies on my cheek not realizing that sales clerks have a finger on the panic button on their headset.  I started having these images pop into my head of being pregnant and having that special feeling of a tiny being in there being forced to hear showtunes all day and the same jokes over and over again, but I know (s)he'll love me anyway, and hate me from age 11-14, then love me again.  Once we got the ball rolling (picking a fertility clinic) we then realized all the testing and tracking that had to be done (we're up to almost 10 months of it).  And then there's the odds.  The odds that we time the insemination just right and that it takes.

I can handle the physical part.  Meg almost passed out from getting blood drawn so I'd hate to see her reaction to a tiny being shooting out of her lady parts.  I'm not a "logistics" kind of girl.  I base half of my decisions on an array of factors ranging from: "is there going to be a gift bag at the end" to "can I post-date that check".  Meg is down with R&D.  It actually works out nicely.

Then my friends started popping up with FB pregnancy announcements every other day.  Seriously. Did none of y'all want to leave the comforts of your central A/C-ed homes the past few months?! And all these ladies (love you all) had incredibly creative ways of announcing.  I feel like I'm going to have to buy a billboard, trend a hashtag and twerk somebody to top the explosion of likes.

Kara & Tommy #brill

Sam & Joe #adorbs

Melissa & Jonathan #wthgirl,ain'tnobodygottimetocompetewiththis 

And don't get me wrong.  I am delighted to celebrate vicariously with these wonderful women, but (in all honesty) it makes me jealous. I know when it does happen for us it's gonna be swell... it'll be great... we're gonna have the whole world on a plate.  #musicaltheaterref #merman #gaybies