11 things you shouldn't ask a lesbian mom (or a lesbian who very much hopes to be a mom)

Posted by Meg (with Kate's feelings/responses in gifs)

Parents.com offers a witty list of 10 things you shouldn't ask a lesbian mom, which I'd like to share here as a friendly PSA to our loved ones about what you really should not ask us about our baby-making journey and our (hopeful/someday/pleasepleaseplease) baby.

1. Which one of you is the mother?

2. Who's the biological mother?

3. Where did you get the sperm?

4. Is the dad in your child's life?

5. What do you know about the sperm donor?

6. Isn't your child confused about what to call you?

7. Doesn't your child miss out on doing "dad" things, like playing ball and using tools?

8. What did you write under "Father" on your child's birth certificate?

9. Where is your child from?

10. Are you worried your child will get teased because you're gay?

I've added an 11th question, which unfortunately we've already been asked:

"What if you have a boy?" -Unidentified family member

I'm not sure if my jaw dropping to the table made it clear that this was a completely insane and inappropriate thing to ask us, and honestly I can't even remember how we answered. It was the first time someone we love asked us a truly offensive question, and unfortunately I'm sure it won't be the last time. But hopefully parents.com's "10 things you shouldn't ask a lesbian mom" can help.

Feeling Grateful for Celebrity Lesbian Moms

Cat Cora.  Winning at everything.

Recently there has been a fair amount of mainstream buzz about NBC news anchor Jenna Wolfe and her girlfriend having a baby girl. Six months ago, Jenna casually announced her pregnancy on the air, while subsequently publicly coming out. I guess in this case, the two pieces of news went hand in hand, since viewers were obviously going to notice that she was pregnant and sans husband....

Let's not forget gay dads.
Especially, NPH.  I mean, look at this.

Anyway, I'm feeling grateful for the lesbian moms who have traveled this road before us and shared their stories with the world. Tens of thousands of suburbanites rely on Jenna Wolfe to give them their news and now this household name is having a baby...with another woman. It's possible Jenna is the first lesbian mom these people have ever "met." Every lesbian mom who chooses to be in the public eye gives me a bit of hope that my future child won't be the only one at school with two moms. His friends' parents won't flinch when I introduce myself as his mom and then introduce them to my wife, Kate. In a perfect world, it would never occur to him that his family is any different than any other family.

So to the pioneers who have gone before us- those living their lives outwardly and proudly- thank you for paving the road, one little bit at a time, for families soon to come.

Kate's Perspective:
I think that Meg...

I also want to point out that I grew up in a time/region that gay lifestyles weren't all that visible. I also spent a lot of time working in theater so my vision may have been a little askew. I knew, maybe, a person or two who I thought were gay, but no one lived an out life.  I don't even think I saw two same sex people holding hands as partners (IRL) until college.  The idea of  actually being able to live this way, marrying someone AND having a family never crossed my mind until 2007, also the same year the iPhone was first released- it was a year of discovery my friends. And now I'm married and we are starting a family.  I want to expand on big ups to the gay and lesbian moms and give the highest of gay fives to those that made all of it possible and"normal".

Literally Googled "rainbow high five".

Why We Choose To Blog

Meg's Perspective:
Are you wondering why we chose to share the details of this otherwise personal process with, well, basically anyone with a computer and internet access (or mooching off of internet access)

For more please visit my tumblr:
http://idtapintothat.tumblr.com/ (end shameless plug)

?
I’ll admit, as the pragmatic half of this duo, I questioned how wise it was to embark on this blogging adventure. In the end though, I think it will be a cathartic process for us, an easy way to keep our friends/family up to date on the process, and perhaps most importantly- a resource for other couples who will take this journey after us.

When we started thinking about making a family, we had many, many questions and since this is 2013, we naturally turned to the interwebs for answers. Considering it’s 2013, it was harder to find blogs with personal accounts of the two-mom insemination process than I would have thought. There are a fair number of blogs about heterosexual women experiencing infertility, which is at the same time similar and completely different from what we’re about to do. So I agreed to let Kate blog about all this...and as it turns out, I’m even blogging myself.

Here are some other lesbian mom-to-be blogs we’ve found entertaining and educational:

http://twomomsmakearight.com/

http://lesbianbabymaker.wordpress.com/

http://andbabymakes3hopefully.wordpress.com/

http://areyoumymoms.wordpress.com

Kate’ perspective:

I agree with Meg that there isn't enough lesbian perspective out there, in a mom-to-be way.  I also think the bog makes it easier to keep friends and family informed of how things are going.  There are going to be some topics that are easier to blog/talk about than others, but I think it's the best way to tell everyone the full story.  I think most people are used to just hearing me tell long-winded stories and I can vouch that I probably forget 42% of everything that happened, locations sometimes change and somehow Tina Fey

becomes a part of the discussion.  Nothing wrong with that, but Meg's POV usually helps to clear those up so.... voila.  Also, Tina Fey stays in. Always.

There are so many things we want to know.  Others who have gone through the process.  What were all the steps like?  How did you know which donor to choose?  How do you tell people?  How do you tell the child?  What should we tell the child to call us?  What if my child comes out and doesn't like showtunes? These things matter, people!

I Like My Men Like I like My Beer: Chilled and In a Six Pack

Since we have a little downtime while we wait for things to-ahem-cycle

....I thought I’d talk a little about choosing a sperm donor. This will be one of many posts about making the decision, as it’s not something we’re taking lightly.

Meg's perspective:

First of all-some people use known donors, some choose unknown. Kate and I talked about using a known donor, such as someone related to me so the child would be somewhat genetically related to me. I don’t have any biological brothers and my male cousins are a little young to be saddled with such a life-long decision. Plus, it would feel weird me that my kid was also my 2nd cousin. We considered asking my step-brother, who fits all of our criteria: tall, athletic, smart. But then we imagined Christmas with his kids and our kids...and how we would explain that they’re both

step-cousins and half-siblings (?!?!). Ultimately we decided against even asking him and his wife to consider it. (PS: Hi Dave! This is probably news to you!)  We considered a number of our male friends, but assumed they would want to be involved as parents, and we’re not interested in that. We are also aware of the legal considerations one needs to take when using a known donor, including the donor signing away his parental rights and agreeing to be tested for just about every disease in the world. Plus, in order to be inseminated by most doctors, the sperm has to be frozen, so the donor would have to go through a sperm bank. Are you seeing dollar signs? Because I am.

For all of these reasons and more, we’ve decided to go with an unknown donor, which means we’ll be combing through sperm banks for...what exactly?

Do we care if the donor is strongly religious and therefore probably donating in order to populate the world with more Catholics/Baptists/etc? Do we want our future kiddo(s) to be able to seek out the donor when the kiddo turns 18? Do we pay extra to see baby pictures of the donor? Is it totally vain of me to eliminate a donor because his handwriting is atrocious??

Someone who looks like me, the non-bio mom? Or just someone amazingly tall, handsome, naturally thin and very smart? The kid is never going to be half genetically mine, so does it matter if he/she looks like me? Do we pick someone with my ethnic background?

As you can see, right now we have more questions than answers. We recently got together with some friends of ours who successfully got pregnant using donor sperm and are expecting their little one soon. They’ve been kind enough to share their experience with us and it was so helpful to hear about their journey. It’s kind of crazy that we get to/have to choose half of our child’s DNA. It is an undeniably huge responsibility and I think it’s safe to say we’re both a little worried about making the right choice. Does anybody out there have any advice for two future moms-to-be who seek a sperm donor?

Kate's perspective:

While I'm mostly here to contribute comical nuggets, gifs and a womb, I do actually struggle with this topic. Honest to God we have discussed (mostly joking) going to a decent Boston bar (in the financial district for a better shot at "smart sperm") taking a few shots and ... well, you see where this is going.

The process is so odd and surreal. You're looking at profiles like you're shopping on Amazon.  

So, do we want tall? But not too tall. Blonde hair like Meg's? Brown like mine- I mean auburn... Shut up.  College student or adult that has established himself? To quote Meg as we sat at Panera after our first appointment at the clinic, "I want him to be smart but not super smart. No PhD in philosophy, cause those guys piss me off."

I will give bonus points to any donor that:
A. Makes references to "Drop Dead Gorgeous"

B. Sites Aaron Sorkin as the greatest writer of all time.

C. Exhibits sassy wit.

Do I care what he sounds like? Not unless he has an amazing singing voice because this child is gonna know showtunes. 

There's so much to consider and so much pressure as you are basically designing your child. Should he have athletic ability since I can barely walk without falling down?

Should he have a ridiculous sense of humor so we can spout "Will & Grace" quotes back and forth? Should he have tan skin so the child doesn't have to experience the feeling of blinding people on the first warm day of summer? Also....do sperm banks do Super Saver Shipping?

Square Peg, Round Hole

About 9 months ago we began Operation: Baby Makin' (hereto shall be referred to as OBM) with a fertility center recommended by a colleague. Granted she is straight, but I decided what the hell it's Harvard and called to make an initial appointment.  I asked if the institution has a history of working with same-sex couples.  I was told yes.  I was then asked how long I had been attempting intercourse to get pregnant.  I paused... hoping there would be a guffaw and we'd move on.  Nothing.  I responded, "Ummmm, never?".  Let's just say the conversation went downhill from there and I declined to set up an appointment.  I then started researching alternative insemination clinics that knew that "gay" did not just mean happy.  I found one nearby in Arlington that seemed to be primarily for same sex couples.  I made the appointment and went in. Unfortunately, they weren't friendly (their nurse gave me the same

look I give a heavy woman wearing white 'skinny' jeans- and I can say that because they are my people), compassionate or very informative (handing over a thick folder of pamphlets does not a consultation make).  It was the consultation equivalent of a "Wam, Bam, Thank you Ma'am".  And the award for making artificial insemination more awkward goes to...

Major Buzz-kill <salute>
After striking out twice, we took a break for a bit.  We had both just started new jobs, we had to buy a second car (ugh) and I was traveling a lot for work so it got backburner-ed.  We then started to see our friends begin their family-making journeys- through fostering or the AI route.  We had a good apartment, stable jobs with decent salaries, Batman's teeth seemed to be ok (you don't know financial debt until you have to have a cat's tooth pulled) and I wasn't getting any younger.  Side note: I had wanted to carry for a while and Meg breaks out in hives at the sight of an abnormal bug bite so growing a human inside her may push her off the Ativan charts. More on that another day.  I did further research into fertility clinics for same sex couples near Boston and came up with some options.  We, along with another same sex couple we're friends with, attended an orientation at the very gay-centric AI clinic in Boston, Fenway Health.  This was an amazing experience- to walk into a room full of lesbian couples/families and be able to speak freely.  It was there that we were informed that there was a restriction this individual place had that stopped our process.  BMI.  I'm not going into great detail about this here, as this blog is about our journey to becoming a family, but I want to touch on this for any women who are overweight and want to have a child who may stumble upon this blog.  BMI is a major factor in certain clinics allowing you to use their services.  BMI is calculated through height and weight.  Fenway Health requires you to have a BMI of 40 or less.  I have struggled with being overweight since I was 5.  It was never at the fault of my parents or for lack of trying to lose. By the time I was 18 I had reached a weight that was almost immobilizing.  After a long battle with insurance I was granted Gastric Bypass.  Over time I lost a little under 200lbs.  What I didn't know was that my body would plateau and adjust to the change thus causing me to gain back a significant amount of weight.  I've battled this daily.  My diet is restricted and my health, other than the # of lbs on my body, is phenomenal.  My weight had caused me to miss out on so much in life and this number was about to rule out our chance at a family.  I had been working with a weight management facility and I continue to, but I needed a place that would work with me and not just turn me down because there was a chance that I would sway their success rate.  Fenway Health is simply a gay friendly facility that offers insemination.  It does not cover midwifery, gyno or delivery.  Nor does it offer any preliminary services to "test the pipes".  Furthermore, it doesn't have assistance if simple AI doesn't work to get pregnant.  It is an amazing organization for our community and offers lots of guidance and support, but we needed a little more. This takes us to about a month ago.

Gold Star for Realistically Laughing at My Jokes
In my search I came across a fertility clinic close to where Meg and I both work- which is important since it would not be unusual to stop in twice a month once the process is underway. RSC - New England has a cheesy looking pride flag on their website- I excused the cheese and gave them points for the effort.  I sent them a message for more info and the response was beyond my expectation.  They were warm, open and (bonus points) funny.  The nurse even laughed at the terribly awkward jokes I make when I'm uncomfortable.  She broke down every step of the beginning process in granular detail which is fantastic when you will most likely not know what to expect.  They mailed me more paperwork than it would take to buy a house, but this started to make it feel real.  Baby steps. <see what I did there?

It All Begins With An Appointment

OK kids.  Let's discuss the birds and the bees.  I grew up Catholic so my view is that intercourse isn't needed and our version of birth control is prayer.  But let's add a little color to it.  How about a rainbow? (gay puns will be aplenty in this blog) When a woman and a woman meet and really love each other and they have a savings with a semi decent APY and live in a state that legalizes something that even a queen (I'm speaking of the one not dressed in drag) agrees is a human right come together with an anonymous tube (#science) and procreate.  That's our version.

Baby Makin': Let Me Google That For You

I met my wife in 2008 when I moved to Boston to run a box office for a theater in the city.  Let me set the scene. My now wife, Meg, was an intern, I was the boss...it's not as scandalous as it sounds, but this makes for a better story!  We were married September of 2011 and both agreed we wanted a family, but outside of our 20lb cat Batman (I call him Fatman, see left) & Tucker (not pictured as the only pic I have at the ready is of him almost crying because he ate the fly he was chasing and was then confused where it went) we had never scratched the surface beyond names we loved or the fact I was going to raise said kid exposed to hefty daily doses of showtunes from womb to whenever they move out from under my roof.  We are finally in a place in life where we have relatively well paying jobs that don't require the skills of MacGyver  to survive on the daily- lookin' at you non-profit arts jobs.  And are ready to support the life of something that can barely support itself- lookin' at myself.  Before Meg I would have probably lived off of Panera Asiago Cheese bagels & Trader Joe's $3 Chuck merlot.  This decision, to start the Curtis Posse, began with a lot of research. I kind of laugh at because I am not the researcher in our marriage.  Meg can take a task, parse out the phases, make lists and timelines to meet each step, track a budget and deliver on time.  I come in with appetizers, wine and technology needs.

I sat down to begin the process and then it hit me.  How does one even begin this?  What are the words I am even going to Google?  Is this going to totally turn my Gmail ads/Facebook ads into the digital marketing equivalent of sketchy van offering free candy?  Don't look at my Google history- not just because of the journey I took in researching, but you would be disgusted by all the words I have to Google how to spell.  Including disgusted.  I started out looking for blogs by others who had gone through this process.  And, although, there are a lot I wasn't getting all of my questions answered.  So, this is one of the main reasons for this blog.  I hope we can answer the questions others may have as they begin their journey to baby-dom and I hope that y'all will follow our story.  I also hope to make people laugh, get a book deal and possibly meet Tina Fey.

Priorities.