It's Like Dating, But I Don't Have To Fake That I Don't Read

Today we want to celebrate two things.

1. We have had over 10,000 visits to this blog.

2. Our good friend (and Meg's old roommate) Brit came over for taco night. Yeah, yeah, get it out of your system.  

And I decided to do an ovulation predictor test: 

My test came up positive for ovulation and we are set to go in sometime in the next 24 hours for our first insemination.

Don't worry team, there's gonna be a whoooooole other post about that experience.

That's What the Pilgrims Said?

Legit email we received from California Cryobank, a sperm bank we decided not to use:

...

...

Screw it.  I'm going with it.

Happy Turkey Baster Day from our family to yours.

Ovulation Testing: You'll Study More Than You Did for the LSAT

Starting on day 3 of my cycle they had me start taking Clomid (what that experience was like):

Kate sees this: 

Then she starts to do this:

Then on day 10 (today) they will have me start testing for ovulation.

You can test every 4 hours which means I'm gonna spend a lot of time in the bathroom at work and most likely will become "that girl".

Most tests take 3-5 minutes to show results.  So to anyone entering the stall next to me and leaving before I do, it will appear that we were in a (to quote my cousin) "poop off".  My co-worker said I need a separate pair of nondescript shoes to wear when I go take a test... or I could suspend my feet off the floor.  It'll be great for my abs.

You have to catch it at the right moment AND be able to read the ROYGBIV color spectrum that is the testing strip.  Let me lay it out for you...

You also can't provide too much of a sample as it will null the test.  Or if you get a dud tester you have to wait another 4 hours.







Women have, typically, a 24 hour window for when an egg is released and able to be fertilized.  So you have to test and test as you patiently wait for the quasi-matching lines to appear- sometimes asking complete strangers their opinion while showing them a poorly lit picture you took on your iPhone. (Not me, specifically, but I've heard).  As soon as we get a positive, we'll call the clinic (must be before noon so the sperm can defrost.... I will never be able to defrost chicken the same again) and go in the next morning for insemination.  Not only will we have a short amount of time, but so will the sperm.  Fresh sperm (ew) can live in a woman's body for up to 5 days.  Frozen sperm only has 2 days, max.  I really hope someone reading this right now wins final Jeopardy with the above facts because that would make my damn day.  The one advantage we do get is that we are doing IUI so the donation is placed directly into the uterus (or my Bea-uterus- thank you Brian D. aka future manny) so it "bypasses getting stuck on Storrow and just takes the Pike" (Mass-holes get it).  I can only describe this process as such:

Blame It On the Clomid: A Story of Hot Flashes and Weep-fests

I'm totally grateful for how positive my test results have been through this whole process, but this journey is seriously taking forever. BUT I did start day 1 of my cycle, aka I got my period (sorry Dad, gay boyfriends, etc!) on Monday and contacted our fertility clinic for next steps.


They have recorded my new and improved weight (BAM) and confirmed that they did receive the shipment of donor sperm....

...and started me on Clomid, which is a pill prescribed for woman who experience irregular cycles. It's supposed to assist in ovulation by toying with your hormones.  Let me put it in a way that's easy to understand.... Clomid helps get your baby party started by increasing the chances you will ovulate and strengthens your ovulation.  AKA it gets this party started right.  It gets this party started quickly. C+C music Factory anyone?

So I have 5 days worth of 50mg of Clomid.  My level of knowledge about Clomid is equivalent to my knowledge of fixing a car.  Both, apparently, come with hot flashes though.  So I Googled it.  Legit research.  Some women said they felt like this:

But mostly I expect to feel a constant amplified version of what you felt when you saw these cinematic nuggets that, now as an adult, you feel were completely inappropriate for young kids to see:

And maybe being a little overly sensitive:

So far the only thing I have experienced was during my drive to work today.  I was listening to the holiday station on my radio (shut up- I went shopping at Christmas Tree Shop last weekend and it went down hill from there).  Dean Martin's "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" came on.  So I'm listening and singing along and then about halfway through he starts just riffin' on this song.  So driving through Harvard Square I am yelling at my satellite radio station, "When in hell did we decide Santa has a German accent Dean!?!?  And who the hell are you to change the lyrics to "Rudy the Red Beaked Reindeer" you asshole.  You killed Christmas, Dean Martin.  You killed Christmas."

And then Nat King Cole's "Silent Night" came on and I cried me a (Charles) river.

Thunder is For the Skies, Not For the Thighs: Reaching My Safe BMI Goal

I HIT MY GOAL WEIGHT

So next steps:

1. Keep losing so planets don't orbit me (see routine below- who' in?)

2. Await my next cycle (hopefully in a couple days) to start Clomid

3. First try (hopefully) in 2 weeks

Weight & Pregnancy, or The Curse of the Junk In the Trunk

So as we have discussed before weight is a factor in a successful pregnancy (duh).  So with me "passing inspection" this is the last hurdle.  Fertility clinics have strict rules about BMI (this was one of the 'rules' clinics have accepting you as a patient) and, despite the fact you can be in pretty great health- weight withstanding, they can decline to inseminate you if you are not at or under the BMI cap.  I have been a "big kid" as a child, a "fat girl" as a teen and "heavy woman" as an adult.  Losing weight hasn't been easy for me and, granted, until I was 20-ish I thought potatoes were considered a vegetable... ...

I have, approx, 40 days to lose 6 pounds to get to the weight my fertility doc said I  would need to be to be approved to do insemination according to the clinic rules.  And it's not just about weight loss.  I also need to maintain my vitamin levels (I've been dissing Vitamin D), keep an eye my thyroid, balance new natural vitamins to help with LH (I read an article that says a natural way of helping increase progesterone/Lutenizing Hormones/lengthening your Luteal Stage (the part where your woman parts prepare for the baby bean drops itself like it's hot).  I'm on a cocktail of vitamins and will start taking Clomid soon.  Sorry everyone for the things I do and say- it is not me speaking, it's a concoction of random chemically induced personalities from a range of Tammy Faye Baker to Chris Brown.

But I've also started working out more.  And by more I mean at all.
I've been doing 45+ minutes a day of cardio for 6 days a week.  I also restricted my diet to no gluten,

no unnatural sugars, no sweets, limited cheese, reduced carbs, and maybe 1 drink a week (if I do it's 1 gin and diet tonic).  Now I know what you're thinking and I already left a message for the good folks at Franzia  so it doesn't throw off their inventory.  Most of the time I feel ok, but I don't look forward to eating.  I see my 134,985th day of salads in a row and there's only so much you can do to make a salad appetizing before it crosses the line into taco salad (just because it has lettuce doesn't make it a salad).  Meg and I were on a walk last night and I legit spent a quarter of a mile talking about fried mozzarella sticks and loaded potato skins like I was performing a live reading of "50 Shades of Gray".

Me Trying to Learn ANY Choreography.

 People at work have been telling me to change things up and join a gym with classes.  Then you can transition into pregnancy workout classes then post-pregnancy workout classes.  I am not good at attending classes.  Group workouts stress me out and I am part of the rhythm-less nation and I inevitably will harm myself/classmate/aerobic equipment with what should have been a Burpee and ended up being a Fartee or a downward facing dog that spirals into sideways falling Kate.  Then there are the people telling me to do Zumba.... have you seen me dance at a wedding?  I come prepared with "I'm sorry I kicked you in the face.  I blame Wine and Cher."

How I Feel When I Leave the Gym.

So, I've got 6 pounds to get to the weight my doctor wants me to be at so the clinic will allow the insemination.  Of course I want to lose more, but eye on the prize kids.

The below has nothing to do with this post, other than further proof I was a butterball of a kid, but I found it while looking at childhood photos.

Foreshadowing?