Things I've Learned About Myself Since Becoming a Mom

(Words and gifs by Kate)

Meg and I both say that we never imagined having kids until we met the person we wanted to have a kid with.  I mean, we all say we want to grow up meet someone and have a family, but, much like the greasy piece of pizza I just ate before a 4 hour meeting in a hot room, I don't always think things through.  We all know how the first six weeks of motherhood slapped us in the face like a scorned lover on Jerry Springer.  But there are many things that have happened since then that have taught me things about myself.

Here's a couple of things I've learned in the 6 months since we had the Bean. (NOTE: She is the light of my life, but 90% of parents reading this will probably give the unity fist on these):

1. I really like doing absolutely nothing. 
Seriously.  I could dick around on the internet like a pro. Power watching Food Network on the brightest of spring days used to be my jam. Post-Bean, the closest I get to doing absolutely nothing is going to the bathroom at work.





2. I have no idea what is going on.
I now get what my mom meant when she said she has a huge gaping hole in her memory of any
popular song/tv show/movie from the 80s.  She had 2 kids, worked full time and took care of her parents.  I'm not quite as bad because smart phones exist, but frankly, I get most of my news from Buzzfeed... so look forward to riveting conversations with me.


3. Unmedicated, I am a horrible sleeper.
Before I had the baby I would pop benedryl like tic-tacs to sleep, but when you're a parent of an infant you are "on" all the time whether you like it or not.  Meg and I split the night as to who is on duty, but that doesn't mean we don't hear phantom baby cries that turn out to be the screech owl who has decided to camp out next to our bedroom window.  Then I lay in bed wide awake listening with the intensity of trying to hear the grass grow.  Why?  She's asleep.  I can see it on the monitor.  Then I think, "When did we wash the crib sheets last?  Did I prep enough bottles for daycare?  We should get a bottle of wine for the cat sitter.  Was that her crying?  No, that

What a baby's cry feels like when
it wakes you from a deep sleep.

was the cat singing the song of his people.  I wonder what happened to Cat Stevens."

The exact moment, while feeding her,
that I regretted teaching her to blow
raspberries.

4.  Everything in my life is based on the Bean.




When we eat, when we sleep.  Dinner with the friends?  Sure! Oh wait, they want to eat at 8.  Do I have a clean shirt to wear?  No, we experimented with mixed veggie puree last night.

"Oh we're just going for a 20 minute walk"

Also, leaving the house and doing something has never been more complicated.  After we pack up Ella's compound of necessities, filling the backseat of an SUV after perfectly timing a feeding and a nap, we are ready.  For a 2 hour outing down the street.








But after you accept the fact you will watch "Game of Thrones" when she goes to college.  You will always be about a week to a month behind on any pop culture.  And as you sit in the bathroom stall at work negotiating your "standards" of hygiene contemplating leaning against the toilet paper rolls to take a power nap you'll think of this image from 4am.  And you'll get your ass up and check out Pinterest for "must haves for camping with a 6 month old". <Really happening this weekend- that post to come soon

We Have a Baby, or, Is That a Nipple in My Hair?

"Coffee"

Sorry for the radio silence, but as we may have mentioned, WE HAVE A BABY! We can hardly believe it, even though we are completely consume with keeping her alive every single minute of every single day. Anyway, we thought we'd give you an overview of our first two weeks as parents. Don't let it deter you from having your own little stinker, because even after a really hard 14 days, we still love her more than anything.

We used to be cool (ok, maybe not).  We used to host dinner parties and go see plays.  We used to be able to hold a conversation. Today it's a victory if we can put a noun and a verb together.  As I sit here at 2am holding 8lbs of a tiny human who can barely lift her head, I find myself assessing how much poop she has had today.  What did it look like?  And, come to think of it, why does it look like she shotgunned deli mustard and sesame seeds?  When did I sleep last?  Or my favorite of Meg's deep thoughts: What are the ethics of holding a baby while you pee?

What the first 2 weeks feel like

No one talks about the first 2 weeks of having a newborn.  I don't know whether parents that have come before us see it as a rite of passage that we must encounter on our own or they've blocked it out of their memory like a horrible nightmare.  The first two weeks of having a baby are hard, y'all. I'm sure the next two weeks will be too...and the next and the next...but damn, those first two will get to you.

I'm going to say some things that may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I'm running on a 5 hour old cup of coffee and a power bar, so deal with it.

Breastfeeding

One of the hardest things I've ever encountered.  When the baby is first born she lives off her reserves

Ella's reaction to being fed formula

and then looks to you (ie: your boob) for colostrum.  This is what our body creates before the milk comes in.  I'm going to keep this portion brief- after many days of tag teaming holding our banshee-like screaming daughter for hour at a time I pumped and learned my body wasn't producing enough milk and she was starving.  We quickly grabbed the can of formula and a bottle and she inhaled it, giving us more than 1.5 hours of sleep for the first time since she was born.  I know it is told that we, as breastfeeding women, should push through this time as our milk *will* come in, but you know what?  I didn't.  And my daughter was happier.  My wife was happier.  And I didn't have a nervous breakdown.  

Crying

This topic is twofold.  When the postpartum nurse said that I am chock full of hormones and would cry (a lot) for no reason, she wasn't kidding.  I cried full on "the dog dies in this movie" tears because I put my underwear on backwards.  But I also cried at the sound of my own daughter's cries.  I don't know how it is scientifically put, but there is a place in every birth mom's mind that is wrecked by the sound of their child crying.  

And then that leads me to Ella's crying.  As Meg likes to remind me, babies cry.  It's their way of communicating.  I think the first hell week we had has traumatized me.  Every time she cries my whole body cringes and I have a mini emotional meltdown inside. I fear she will never STOP crying. Knock on wood...so far, she has always stopped crying.  Her crying is rational.  Me and my raging hormones are not.

Sleep

You will get none. Until the grandparents swoop in and hold your screaming baby so you can sleep (in the same bed, even!) for one sweet, sweet hour. 

Hygiene

You will forget to brush your teeth, take out your contacts, eat, bathe and leave your house.  It will get easier day to day, particularly if you have an amazing partner to relieve you and/or kindly tell you that your breath smells like one of the characters from "The Walking Dead."  

Trying to get anything done on
Mommy Brain

Maintenance

They say to sleep when the baby sleeps. Well, that's great if you have a housekeeper and personal chef. If you don't, the minute the baby is asleep you will want to take care of all the things around the house that make it look like a tornado hit a diaper factory. You will wash a dish and then start some laundry and then remember you were washing a dish.  What's that smell?  Oh right you started cooking something... and now the house is on fire.

Baby Jeggings
In between the cries and the poop and leaky breasts, tiny baby clothes will make things ok.  Tiny socks, onesies with giraffes on them, knit hats.  And the outfits.  You will change the outfits three times a day due to formula overflow or diaper blowouts, but you will also change them because this is now your primary source of entertainment.  You will then take 8,000 pictures, post them on Facebook and break the internet- or at least overwhelm your friends to the point they may start blocking you.  Sorry team, but to those that stuck with us thus far thanks for playing.


At the end of the day- still not sure what hour that is as we don't know when the day ends or begins anymore- she's the best thing to happen to us.  And even at 2am, covered in formula, not sure when you had your last shower and crying at the Swiffer comercial with the cute old couple because hormones you look down at that face and think, "I'll keep her."

The Great Debate: Only Child Syndrome v. Stop Touching Me!

Hey team.  So we may start encountering times where there may be some radio silence.  Either we are in a holding pattern waiting on something or ... well... that seems to be the general theme of this.  Right now we're waiting for "cycles to progress" and trying to "lose some of the girth of my equator"... ok, so I'm not the best at euphemisms or discreetness. Or spelling, grammar, awareness of my speaking voice decibel or when "enough cheese" is "enough". Anywho. While we wait  and have no real news to share, I wanted to tell you about an ongoing discussion Meg and I have been having.  Meg grew up as an only child, only gaining her step-siblings (yay! we love you!) when she was a teenager.  From my discussions with her she informs me that it is fan-freaking-tastic.  She never had to share.  She never had to...come to think of it...most of the benefits circle back to that.  I, on the other hand, grew up as the youngest of two children.  Now.  Note to parents- in no way are any of the statements directed at you, your rearing or anything else that you may take personally that I may have to apologize for.  It's merely observational and backed up by tons of research (note: research may have been done by me with fellow friends with muli-kid backgrounds while at happy hour).

Let's Start With Meg's Perspective As An Only Child Rooting For Us To Have 2 Kids
First of all I'd like to say that I'm not necessarily against having only 1 kid. I see the obvious advantages. I'm just not against have 2, either. I grew up an only child and as a kid I thought it was pretty great. I never had to vie for my parents attention, they were able to be at every recital, I was able to get a ride to every party...it was pretty sweet! I remember liking to play by myself, being very independent, and not wanting anyone to mess with my stuff. I got to go to whatever college I chose because, well, there's only 1 of me. Had there been another kids to put through college, it would have been a different story. Being an only child suited me. As an adult I can see there were some downsides.
For instance, I never properly learned how to share (sorry Kate). As a kid that meant I hated when my cousins came over and wanted to play with my toys. As an adult it means that if I buy 5 yogurts, I expect there to be one available to me every day of the work week. What do you mean I live with someone else who also likes yogurt? BUY YOUR OWN DAMN YOGURT! Ok, I'm usually not that bad. I work really hard not to be a total jerk about the sharing, but it's not something that comes naturally to me. There's just no substitute for sharing space, toys, food, resources, etc with siblings. Now, as mentioned above, I do have 2 wonderful step-siblings and Kate and I are basically obsessed with them and their families. They make me see what grown-up sibling relationships can be like. I look at my mom and her adult siblings and I'm envious of those relationships. I want to provide my children with the opportunity to have those bonds. Now, Kate and I know all too well that not everyone has a sunshine and roses relationship with their siblings. But I think most people would never trade their siblings in for the chance to be an only

child. Obviously we're just working on our first child now, so what the heck do we know? This process might be so hard, expensive and time consuming that we choose not to do it again. The baby might scream his little head off for the first year of his life, much like my parents looooove to tell me I did. Hey, now that I think of it, maybe that's why they only had one...

My Perspective Coming From a >1 Kid home Voting for Us to Have an Only

In a multi-child household you come to learn how politics works. Stay with me now... The learning experiences were often accompanied by a bruise and a side of 'go to your room.  Let me set the scene.  You're in your 1980 Dodge Minivan on a roadtrip to grandma's house and you and your sibling have to share the back seat.  No iPods, no Nintendo DS, no walkman, no tv, no A/C, and you have absolutely no control over the radio as you killed any future opportunity of DJing be playing "Raffi" for 10 hours straight on the last trip.  You most likely have a book and maybe a coloring book with old ass crayons that are starting to smell funny (fun fact: I detest the smell of crayons that have been stored in a plastic school supplies box).  It's hot because it's July in Virginia aka the 7th Circle of Hell.  And you are bored.  And so is your sibling.  You look out of the corner of your eye and your sibling is slowly

moving his/her hand across the seat with their pinkie outstretched.  They creep closer and closer until they are a millimeter away from your skin and then they stop.  That is when you feel the rage bubble up inside you and you scream, "MOM.  HE WON'T STOP TOUCHING ME!" to which your siblings says rationally, "But I'm not touching her!  SEE!."  This goes on for hours until you've said "STOP IT" to your sibling more

times than we've all said it to Miley Cyrus in the past month.  Then your parents turn around, look at you (the complainer) and yell a stream of unrecognizable words that you can only assume is Swahili (?).  You sibling will give you this shit eating grin of superiority and your jaw will be on the floor with the overwhelming feeling of unfairness. You're only choice it to fake sleep until you finally arrive at your destination, but it's safe to assume you'll get a spanking once you're out of the car.  

From this experience I kind of understand the history of the relationship between England and France.

Another thing.  Money.  Children be expensive.  Yes my sibling and I shared.  Clothing, in fact.  When I first came out to my mother she said her first reaction was that it was her fault for dressing me in my older brother's hand-me-down clothes.  Not how it works, but that was precious right?  There are times when you know money is tight and you 'need' the new Debbie Gibson cassette or there's a book fair and you have to buy those books because it feels good to buy things, but you know you'll never read them because of this:

Big Ups to BuzzFeed for these visuals.

Every parent wants to give their kids everything and we all know that it isn't possible.  I worry, particularly living in Massachusetts where our rent could be 2 home mortgage payments pretty much anywhere else in the country, that we would struggle and I don't want my children to feel the stress of that.  Besides, we know that no one can really understand stress until they have had to make this decision.

Nonetheless, there are other factors behind my feelings, but we don't have to make this decision right away and, who knows, maybe clomid will make the decision for us- you guys know I love a bargain.