Confessions of a Guilty Mom (or two)

(written by Meg)

I think all you moms out there are familiar with mom guilt. It's that twinge a woman* feels when she overhears another mom at the playground saying something like "well, of course we're only feeding our daughter homemade, organic, local, fair trade, non-GMO, hormone-free baby food." You nod

If you dump Gerber Sweet Potatoes from the jar into a bowl
does that make them local?

your head enthusiastically while frantically covering up the label on your just-plain-old-Gerbers baby

food. You consider buying some organic jars to have with you when you're out in public. Ugh, my kid is going to grow an extra arm because her pears aren't organic! Welcome to mom guilt.

Perhaps I put most of this burden on myself, but I don't think I'm alone. It's not that I doubt my abilities as a mom, per say. But I can't help feeling a little bit bad that I don't seem to have enough time to make homemade baby food after working 40 hours a week and taking care of an infant during the rest of my waking hours. Never mind taking care of our diabetic cat, doing laundry, making dinner...oh, and occasionally taking care of myself! So confession #1: Ella sometimes eats non-organic baby food***. I'm trying to come to terms with this reality and it's harder than I thought it would be. It's harder than it should be. To even things out, sometimes I spend hours (yes, hours)** scrolling through reviews of activity cubes, debating whether or not they are more useful and enriching than, say, a push walker. Or maybe a learning table. But learning tables all have battery operated lights and sounds. Oh, you mean you didn't know lights and sounds will ruin your baby's brain? "We try not to overwhelm little Timmy with too much stimulus." Insert enthusiastic head nod and frantic covering up of the light-up toys in our house. Confession #2: Sometimes when I just need 2 minutes to run to the basement and load the washer, Ella sits in front of the scrolling screensaver on our TV. Please don't call the mommy police.

Confession #3: I don't want to be a stay at home mom. Oof, it feels good to get that off my chest. Do I love my kiddo? Yes. Do I want to spend time with her? Yes. Do I look forward to picking her up at daycare? Yes. Do I want to be home with her all day, every day? No. Is this something I should feel guilty about? Gosh, I don't know, but I sure do feel it, especially when other moms talk about crying in their cubicles because they wish they were home with their babies. I respect that, but I suspect I might actually do more crying if I was home every day! I was serious about not calling the mommy police, ok??

Sometimes I have to take a step back (walk away from the Amazon.com toy reviews, Meg) and remember that Kate and I are definitely, without a doubt, for sure more capable and concerned than the majority of parents in this country, just by virtue of our status as educated and relatively privileged people who purposefully brought a child into this world. Our daughter will never go hungry. She'll never go without healthcare. She'll always know she's loved. She'll see museums and theater and parks and baseball games. She will survive the plain old pears and occasional light up toys. I mean...she will, right?

I also have to remind myself that when I was a kid, all babies were put to sleep on their stomachs with blankets, which is absolutely something to call the mommy police about these days. Most people let their babies "cry it out," something a lot of parents consider cruel now. My dad likes to tell the story about how I was "crying it out" louder than usual one night and they found my head lodged between the crib mattress and the rails. Oops. Don't forget the time I fell head over heels down a flight of stairs while strapped into a walker. And did they even have organic food in the 80s? Anyway, I'm sure we all have stories like this, and we survived! We did more than survive, actually. We thrived.

So, why the guilt, moms? Are we, the moms, doing this to each other and ourselves? I've found that other moms are very quick to judge when it comes to parenting techniques and ideas, especially in online mommy forums. (Note to self: Leave online mommy forums.) I'm guilty of jumping to a quick judgement of other moms myself sometimes."Oooh..they're using a bumbo...I guess they didn't see that article about lumbar flexion..." Could we all try to be a little more accepting of others and ourselves, and assume we're all doing the best we can?

Oh, and if a mommy asks, Ella never spends more than 20 minutes a day in her Jumparoo. Never. Because that could cause hip dysplasia and we wouldn't want that. Not to mention the dreaded lights and sounds. Insert frantic head nodding and Jumparoo hiding here.

Enjoying the Jumparoo for 19 minutes.

----

*Disclaimer: It's possible that men experience "Dad guilt," but I'm not a dad, so I can't say.

**Hours at work (hope my boss isn't reading this...), so not hours I could be using to make baby food. 

***Shout out to Alison, Mom Extraordinaire, who shares Theo's homemade goodies with Ella! 

Baby Gear Reviews Birth-3 Months

(Written by Meg, gifs by Kate- I actually MADE the last one!)

From the moment a baby is born, she is showered with gifts. From the baby showers with diapers and blankets to the hospital's baby hats and bulb syringes (I'll come back to that later). But what does a baby really NEED? Well, ok, not that much. But there are some very clever baby gear items that we found quite helpful. And, of course, some that we owned, but never used.

Things we had and used often:

Bouncy chair: With vibration, that's key. This item made it possible to pee without holding the baby.

Worth every penny.

Nose Frida: This thing seems disgusting, and I mean....it is. BUT when you have a 4 week old with a cold, which we were lucky enough to experience, you will use it and you will love it. For those of you who aren't familiar with the joy of the Nose Frida, it's kind of the same idea as the bulb syringe snot sucker that we all steal from the hospital, but the parent actually sucks the snot out of the baby's nose. Don't worry, there's a filter that stops the snot from ending up in said parent's mouth.

Things we thought we didn't need/want, but ended up needing:

• Newborn sized clothing: People kept telling us not to stock up on newborn sized clothing
  
  because lots of babies are born already too big. Well, ours was not. On day 5 of Ella's life, I was scouring Carters for NB sized onesies. It's true she did grow out of them after a few weeks, but what was she supposed to wear in the meantime?? Give me all the onesies in all of the land! (PS: Did you know onesie is not a real word? My spellchecker is going crazy.)



When my wife found a swaddle Ella can't "Houdini" out of

• Swaddles: We tried to swaddle Ella when she was tiny and she did not enjoy it. Newsflash: she doesn't have to like it if it works, which it does. We did not try again for way, way, way too long. The first time we bit the bullet and put her to sleep in a Velcro swaddle....was the first time she slept for longer than 45 minutes. Ah-mazing.

Things we thought we'd use, but didn't:

• Baby carriers: We registered for two and we received a few hand-me-downs as well. So far, we've "worn" Ella a collective total of three times, only one of which I would consider successful. Maybe it's because it's been 10 degrees here basically every day of Ella's life...or maybe it's because the Baby Bjorn directions make my head spin. Either way, I think Ella is destined for the stroller.

  

  Trying to put that *adorable* but complicated
  outfit on a wiggly baby

• Cute, but not at all practical outfits: Before you're actually holding your 8 lb, wiggly human

  

  Figuring out snaps at 3am in the dark

  , that 0-3 sized dress that buttons up the back seems like a perfectly reasonable idea. As it turns out, ain't nobody got time for that. Baby girl lived in the aforementioned onesies and sleepers for the first 3 months of her life. (PS: Sleepers with zippers for the win. Boycott snaps. That might be my best baby advice.)

• Aiden & Anais receiving blankets: What's the big damn deal? We were told by many people that these were must-
  
  have items. I just don't get it. When we tried to use these as swaddles, we found they were too small and didn't have enough stretch to stay in place. Plus, our dainty 8lber could easily get out of the swaddle. These "blankets" are less thick than your average bed sheet, so not terribly useful for keeping a winter baby warm. I mean, they're cute, but also super pricey and basically useless. We ended up buying some nice big stretchy cotton blankets from Carters for a quarter of the price and relegating the A&A blankets for use as floor covering during tummy time. Expensive floor coverings.

Wonder Weeks: Was That a Leap or Just Gas?

First I want to say that I'm mad at all y'all for letting me post about how well our daughter was
sleeping.  Come on guys.  I think we all knew what was going to happen.  And it did.  For the past 4 nights the Bean has decided that her true bedtime shall be between 11-1am.  But she's going to tease you with the occasional 20-40 minute naps between 7pm and bedtime.  "Go ahead mom.  Go try to start watching tv.  Or be productive.  Will I stay asleep for the rest of the night or yell for you like I'm hailing a cab?  Of course you don't know so you should probably not go lay down in that soft, warm bed of yours because being shocked from sleep would suck so much more.  Welcome to the jungle mommy dearest.  Are you ready to play Sleeping Baby Russian Roulette?"

We, as parents, really want to label things.  Not just the lovingly, but OCD-ish way my wife has organized Ella's clothes, by size (not just 6 month, but holding them up to each other as we all know baby clothes sizes are not created equal) and season.  When Ella went from a good span of days sleeping through the night to refusing to fall asleep until late, fussing a lot, refusing the pacifier (which used to help soothe and knock her out), waking up more often and (mostly at night) refusing to eat unless you were holding her standing we were shell-shocked.

WTH happened?!  So here's what we noticed.  Ella was having trouble pooping- constipation.  She

also got another cold- hard to breathe when eating and coughing in the crib waking herself up, epic diaper rash- it looked like someone dropped napalm in there.  There's also 4 month sleep regression.  And then there's a thing called Leaps.  I was introduced to this by some fellow moms.  The app/book is called The Wonder Weeks and it is an infant development resource.

Ella's Current Leap

So what is a Leap?  They describe it as: a leap in the mental development of your baby means that suddenly there are many changes in his head. Suddenly, her brain perceives things it wasn’t capable of perceiving before. This change is so great that her entire world suddenly looks different.

Mental Leap 4 is all about events- learning that their actions affect others and they have a bit more control.

Signs of Leap 4 According to Wonder Weeks:
Trouble Sleeping
Becoming shy with strangers
Demanding more attention
Head may need more support than before
May be clingy
May lose appetite
May be moody
May be less vocal
May be less lively and sucks his thumb or fingers more often than before.

20 Days Left.  Shit.

I have the app so it alerts me when she goes to the next leap.  Apparently, Leap 4 is one of the hardest as she starting to process more around her.  You will see on the update to the left that there is a big ole storm cloud.  That means an increase in the 3 C's: Cranky, Crying and Clingy.  Super.  Oh, and did I mention this Leap last, supposedly, 40 days.  Lovely.  There's also a chart showing Leaps and predictions of mood changes.  When you see a storm cloud approaching it puts the fear of God in you.

But is this legit?  What if her general behavior change was due to not pooping?  What if it really was the cough keeping her up?  Anyone swear by the Wonder Weeks?  All I'm gonna say is if I fall asleep during a conversation with you lately it's because princess is learning how to hold a ball and party til dawn.

When I finally get Ella down to sleep and she stays asleep.

Where Did This Angelic Baby Come From?: The 3 Month Turnaround

By Kate

Another mother told us that, if at any point in the first 3 months you don't think "I wanna throw this child out the window," that you're a liar.  We've mentioned here that no one ever tells you how hard parenting is (Screw You Folgers and Other Things That Make Me Cry & One Month In), but we want to say that IT. GETS. BETTER.  (Thanks gays for giving us this phrase)

The first months of being a parent + winter in Boston

When the baby knows
you're about to eat

The first three months really are a cyclical process of scream, eat, scream, poop, scream, sleep, scream. With the occasional "aww" moment when she falls asleep on you, open mouth breathing and delicately snoring.  That saved you, child.  Also, having a baby in the winter (more importantly the Winter of our Discontent in New England) is like a form of torture. Not to be over-dramatic, but there was a point that I would have given up government secrets to eat a hot meal in peace.  You're more tired than you ever

#parenting

imagined you could possibly be and still have to be the most responsible person you will ever need to be.  You hear baby cries in in the sounds of a running dishwasher.  You have no idea what time it is except for when you are recording a diaper, a feeding or how long she slept.  Seriously. You will record more details about her movements that Jane Goodall did with her gorillas.  Sleep seems like a dream and you will feel like you're going a little crazy.  It. Gets. Better.

The morning after she slept through the night

3 months.  Just make it to three months.  I swear it felt like it happened overnight.  All of a sudden she sleeps more than 2 hours at a time.  She interacts and plays.  SHE SMILES AND COOS and you think, "Child, you better thank the Baby Jesus you learned how to smile because you were one tantrum away from me having a bald-headed Britney Spears breakdown."  She doesn't wake up screaming bloody murder and when she does you can solve it (95% of the time).  You start to feel like

you've done this for years and start balancing better with your spouse.  Don't forget your relationship matters too.  You will call in your spouse to look at a diaper chock full of poo and celebrate since it had been "longer than usual" since she pooped. But you should also make time to go have dinner. 

Meg's birthday is in March and I'm giving her/us a night in a hotel 5 miles from our house.  People ask if we will go out to see a show?  Hit up the Boston bars?  HELL NO.  We will have dinner at a sensible hour, go back to the hotel, watch HGTV and crash in a bed we don't have to make and a room we don't have to clean. And maybe not talk about poop for 12 hours.  Maybe.

Be strong y'all

"I'm squishing up a baby bumblebee" and other cruel children's songs

(Words by Meg & gifs by Kate)

Ella has recently shown a real interest in music. Kate's dad, Opa Chuck, sang German lullabies to Baby Girl when he was here and it got Kate thinking about songs from her childhood. One day she started singing a song that started off all sweet and innocent and ended in animal cruelty. 

80s Kate

Those of you born in the '80s might remember this little diddy:

I'm bringing home a baby bumblebee
Won't my Mommy be so proud of me
(Cup hands together as if holding bee)

I'm bringing home a baby bumblebee
Ouch, it stung me
(Shake one hand as if just stung you)

I'm squishing up a baby bumblebee
Won't my Mommy be so proud of me
('Squish' bee between palms of hands)

I'm squishing up a baby bumblebee
Squish, squish, squish
('Squish' bee between palms of hands)

Well, I for one did not remember this song and at least this Mommy would not be particularly proud of Ella for taking so much pleasure in killing a living thing, even if it is just a bee!
Anyway, we pulled out a CD of kid's songs produced sometime in the last few years and Kate was pleased to see "Baby Bumblebee" listed on the back. Turns out, I'm not the only Mommy who thought encouraging cruelty to animals (bugs?) was a little questionable for a children's song. The new, updated, politically correct version goes like this:

Who knew Girl Scouts would teach hate songs!

I'm picking up a baby bumblebee; Won't my mommy be so proud of me?

I'm picking up a baby bumblebee; Oh! It stung me!

I'm setting free my baby bumblebee; Won't my mommy be so proud of me?

(Yes, this Mommy would be so proud of you!)

Another example of updating a fairly offensive children's song is the revamp of "10 Little Indians." You know the one...

One little, two little, three little Indians

Four little, five little, six little Indians

Seven little, eight little, nine little Indians

Ten little Indian boys.

The lyrics to this song are apparently completely passé in the year 2015, and have been replaced with these new, completely innocuous lyrics, sung to the same tune:

Where, oh where, oh where is Susie?
Where, oh where, oh where is Susie?
Where, oh where, of where is Susie?
Way down yonder in the paw-paw patch.

For those of you who don't know, the paw-paw is a fruit indigenous to the United States. Singing about people indigenous to the US, not cool. Fruit, though...is just fine.

Side note: It's come to our attention recently that one can't  say "sitting Indian style" anymore. Sometime in the last 28 years it apparently changed to sitting "criss cross apple sauce." How will we sit when the apple sauce industry gets offended?

My, how things have changed.

Daycare: Colds, Cubbies & Crib Training

(Written by Meg & gifs by Kate)

As we've mentioned here before, Kate went back to work several weeks ago, a momentous occasion for all three of the Curtis ladies. We are lucky enough to have Grandpa Jeff on babysitting duty on Mondays. Fridays in January were covered by a smattering of Grandparents: lucky Ella, lucky mommies. We found a great home daycare a half mile from our apartment that just happens to be cheaper than anywhere else we looked at AND came with a recommendation from a friend of mine. Win, win, win. It just doesn't get any better than that. Ella will be hanging out there Tuesday-Friday while her moms work hard for the money, so hard for it honey.

Anyone who knows me in real life knows that I love an organizing challenge, so getting our supplies ready for daycare felt unreasonably satisfying to me. I have a little checklist of all the things she needs to have in her bag: bibs, bottles, crib sheet, diapers and more. Seeing her little cubby with "Ella" on it was also pretty joyous. Look at us, we're raising a real person with a real cubby!

So far daycare has been a great experience for Ella. It's a relatively small group- 13 kids ranging from 3 months to 3 years, and 3 care providers. The care providers report that Ella loves to watch the older kids run around, and we're not surprised. She prefers to be constantly entertained. Having her at daycare also gave us the push we needed to transition her from sleeping in her bouncy chair (I know, I know #badmommies) to sleeping in her crib, since they won't put her to sleep anywhere except a crib. It's a bilingual daycare with kids of all ethnicities and backgrounds, which we think will be really good for Ella once she, ya know, has any sense of that kind of thing.

Sidenote: I'm quite sure our Spanish-speaking daycare providers initially thought the crazy white lesbian mommies named their child "she." They pronounced her name the Spanish way until someone must have corrected them! I hope they don't think we're nuts.

The only downside to daycare, as far as I can tell, is the germs. Ella and I both endured a stomach bug
her second week at daycare, and both mommies and baby all had a cold last week. Par for the course, I suppose.

Some parents have a really hard time leaving their kids at daycare, and we totally understand that. But handing Ella over to these wonderful ladies and seeing her face light up lets me know that she's totally fine. And at the end of the day when she smells like the daycare provider's perfume, I

know she's better than totally fine. She's being held close and well cared for. Is it hard to be without Ella all day? Sometimes. Does it make us feel more grateful for the time we do get to spend with her? Always.

#badmommies

(written by Meg, gifs by Kate)

Kate and I have this running joke about when we do something with Ella that realistically is totally fine, but is likely something the textbooks would tell you not to do. We've hashtagged these moments "badmommies."  Usually this means we actually say out loud "hashtag badmommies!" as we're committing the offense. 

Here are some examples:

Parking Ella in front of the screen saver on our TV so we can make dinner. #badmommies

Doing tummy time for 10 seconds until she screams and then giving up. #badmommies

Not realizing it was going to rain and showing up at daycare with a fairly wet baby. #badmommies

When was the last time we bathed this creature? #badmommies

Forgetting to pack a bib in the daycare bag. They used a paper towel. #badmommies

Browsing facebook during the 3am feeding. #badmommies

Laughing as your baby slides to the floor? #badmommies

This is supposed to be a funny post, but for a small dose of seriousness, it's kind of a shame that the textbooks (ok, who are we kidding...the internet) offer such a strict and regimented set of rules about how one should parent. There are some obvious no-nos (blankets in the crib, second hand smoke, etc.), but I really think some of the other "rules" are just making us all feel bad.

Any other #badmommies out there?