One Woman's Quest for Paternity Leave

Written by Meg, gifs by Kate

If you know me in real life, you know where I work. If you don't know me in real life, let's just say I work at a fairly liberal university in the very liberal state of Massachusetts. Perhaps this is why I was naive enough to think I'd have no problem qualifying to take some leave time after the baby is born. It turned out to be a little more complicated than I had expected. Then again, what else is new??

Over the summer I started my journey by calling HR and asking about "paternity leave." The woman
I spoke with automatically assumed I meant MATERNITY leave and launched into a speech about that. I interjected to tell her the full story. I am a woman, married to another woman, and I'm hoping to take some leave time when said woman gives birth to our baby. *crickets, crickets* "Let me forward you to so-and-so who handles medical leave." Mmm, ok.

So the next woman I spoke with explained that I could use my sick time, vacation time and personal time and then go unpaid for as long as 12 weeks if I choose to, under the Federal Medial Leave Act (FMLA), which allows employees job protection for up to 12 weeks in order to take care of an ill family member. She also informed me that this right is only afforded to me because Kate and I are legally married, so hallelujah for that. I don't know what people do in states where marriage in not yet legal. The HR woman said we should meet in late September.


Fast forward to late September, when I meet with the same HR woman. She thinks I'm HAVING the baby. Even though I really don't think I appear 8 months pregnant AND I had clarified this with her

by phone already. So, back to square one. I am a woman, married to another woman, and I'm hoping to take leave when said woman gives birth to our baby. Also, welcome to 2014, lady. Anyway, she states again that  I can use up to 12 sick days (which I have accrued and been saving for this purpose), my personal time and my vacation time, just as she had said initially. She gives me a bunch of paperwork that needs to be signed by our midwife and returned to HR within 14 days. She also gives me a packet about FMLA.

Later I read the FMLA packet, which states that a pregnant woman can use up for 12 sicks days, but someone caring for an ill family member (which is the category I seem to fall into) can only use 5. Ummm...hello, not clear. So I email HR woman who says "right, you can only use 5. Even though I said 12 before. I thought you were having the baby!" (again, I sat in her office, very clearly NOT 8 months pregnant.) I have clearly thrown them for a loop.


I take the paperwork to the midwife, who also appears a little baffled. Apparently partners don't usually take time off to support their babies? I'm not sure. Either way, she signs it.

I returned the paperwork to HR yesterday and asked HR woman to clarify, one final time, if I can take 5 or 12 sick days. It's not the end of the world either way, but if I can use 7 sick days instead of decimating my accrued vacation time, why not? She whips out a sick leave policy and starts reading, breezing causally over PATERNITY LEAVE because "that doesn't pertain to me." Hold on a minute. I was under the impression the university did not offer paternity leave, since she never mentioned it to me to, even though I must have said 10 times that I'm looking to take leave when my wife has our baby. Of course I asked her if I could use the paternity leave policy, which allows for all 12 sick days to be used. *blank stare.* She agreed to look into it for me. Uhh...I am married to the mother of my child and my name will be on the birth certificate. What other information could you possibly need?



Anyway, this is an "all's well that ends well" story, because today I found out I was approved for paternity leave. It's a good thing, too, because I was ready for a fight. For my own sake and for the sake of the next person...

Kate said "you're a pioneer!" To which I replied that I seem to always be a pioneer, though I never really want to be. In these situations I feel like I have no choice but to stand up for myself and, I guess, blaze a path. After all, this is 2014. This is state where same sex marriage has been legal for 10+ years. This is a university that focuses on social justice. I'd say it's about time for their "paternity leave" policy to catch up. I should not be forced to be a woman taking paternity leave. Parental leave, or even second parent leave would be more appropriate. It's time. Don't you agree?

Week 34: How Are There Still 6 Weeks Left?!

So here we are at 34 weeks and 2 days.  BGC now weighs about 5.5 lbs. Also, we learned that babies born between 34 and 37 weeks generally do fine. They may need a short stay in the neonatal nursery and may have a few short-term health issues, but in the long run, they usually do as well as full-term babies! So 34 weeks makes us feel like we've crossed a major hurtle. We have another growth ultrasound next Monday and if they say she may come early (due to size/growth) I will give up Nutella for a week...a month! Who am I kidding, I could never give up Nutella.

As I've said before, I'm ready to give birth- or rather I'm ready to be done with pregnancy.  Don't get me wrong, it's a blessing. But so is the ability to stand up without looking like you're doing that scene from "The Matrix".  Meg very lovingly reminds me that we're not quite there yet and the longer BGC cooks the better, but the idea of going past 40 weeks makes me want to cry like a TV evangelist.

What It's Like When People Remind
You There's Still 5-6 Weeks to Go

How Kate Felt When We Hit October
& We're About a Month Away!

We saw Nurse Judy today and all looks good.  I've only been experiencing the feeling of a boulder 

sitting on my pelvic floor and rapid heart rate so no major concerns. No really, apparently that's normal. I even lost another pound.  Ice Cream Diet, you are magical.  Judy was able to feel that BGC is still in the head down position and was able to feel her head and neck through my skin <insert Meg's grossed out face>.  Judy said it's common to feel totally DONE at this point, but that we should focus on fun things like buying onesies.  Oh Nurse Jude- you should not say such things.

Give Us All the Onesies
With Animals On the Butt!

Week 33/34: Ask Me About My Midwife

I'm going to be completely honest (when am I not?!).  I have always had the impression that

How I imagined birth with a midwife...

midwives were granola-crunching, hippy-dippy, anti-drug (the good birthin' ones) people.

When we found out we were pregnant, it seemed like a no-brainer that we would use a doctor, not a midwife.  But after not one, but two doctors changed jobs and left us behind, we were forced to reevaluate.

The first thing that changed our perspective was the instructor at our labor and birthing class at Mt

Auburn.  She introduced herself as a midwife and Meg and I both thought, "huh, she's not a weirdo. Maybe all midwives are not weird!"  She didn't poo-poo medications for pain, she didn't make birthing sound like a Joni Mitchell song and she was warm and kind.  I have to admit that, in a crisis situation, I do want an authoritative medical figure in the room, but I'm also kind of a big baby and just want that person to rub my back and tell me it's gonna be ok (Meg will certainly do that, but she has bachelors in Theater Studies and got a B in acting so I don't see me believing her as BGC splits me in two).

Sorority sister, Jenny,
is on the right- obviously

I did some research online about the midwives at Mt Auburn and picked Jenn Williams based on experience and patient reviews (I also felt good about this choice because she has the same name of one of my sorority sisters from college and I felt that was good juju- shut up).

We had our 33 week check-up yesterday and had the last appointment of the day- 5:45pm- which I felt bad about because nobody wants to be at work that late, I would know.








To sum up our visit, it was a perfect combination of medical and personal.  She first asked us why we chose to go with a midwife and we started to explain.  She interrupted our polite impression of midwifery (<<I love that word) and added "Birkenstock wearing" to our description.  Midwifery high fives.

Kate, do you work out?  Yes...?

She went over my past and present medical situation with compassion and without bias (Jenn: You want an epidural? Kate: YUP Jenn: Ok), she immediately acknowledged Meg and directed many questions to her and her feelings, she took the time to listen to my ramblings and explained many things I didn't expect her to.  She took the time is basically what I'm saying.




So.  I feel, although I have to keep reminding myself that we still have 5-6 weeks left, like we are ready... well, as ready as one can be...

Week 32: It's a Big Damn Deal

So here we are at week 32 (almost 33!).  Why is that so important you ask?  Well if you look at my Google search history- please don't, it'll just be awkward for both of us- you'll see I asked that same question.  Everyone has been telling me to make it to 32 weeks and you're in a "safe zone".

Counting down to 32 weeks

The morning of hitting 32 weeks I expected *something*, which is crazy I know, but really what does 32 weeks means?

1. It means that, if BGC should be born today, she would have 95% of survival with all organs developed, she just needs to store up some fat.  I'm happy to donate.

2. Surfactant has formed in the lungs- this is a substance that lines the inside of the lungs to help them not stick to each other when they expand and contract to breathe outside of the womb. #science

She is also gaining 1/2lb a week so she's, most likely, approaching 5lbs.  Also measuring between 17-19 inches long she is running out of room in the womb <heh.  But that hasn't stopped BGC from doing this at 3am>>>>

She is quite the mover and, don't get me wrong, I'd rather have her move than not, but I have noticed it is slowing down and is now more rolling and arching.  It kind of looks like a bowling ball moving under a sheet.  That's best I've got as Meg gets grossed out when she looks at it.  But don't worry- she still does it frequently between 2-5am.

I am also now having trouble bending over even the slightest.  Drying my legs after a shower is basically me waving a towel at them like sending smoke signals.  Sitting up to eat is rough as the more you eat and drink the less good it feels to bend in anyway so you end up getting whatever food you can get.

We are now at the point we will be seeing our midwife weekly until BGC is born.  They also informed us that starting at 36 weeks we will have weekly ultrasounds so they can perform BPPs (Biophysical Profile).  This is something that isn't typical for most pregnancies- it is because I'm a larger woman and *sometimes* that can cause complications and my doctors don't foresee anything, but it'll be reassuring to see her every week!  Only a couple more weeks left!

With that we're gonna leave you with a bad joke until our next post...

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.  Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."  "I don't believe you," says Dolly.  "It's true!  No Bull!" exclaims Daisy.

Pregnancy. Period.

It's Raining Men... Oh, Wait. That's Not Right. (A Shower Story)

Over the past two weekends we've been lucky enough to have not one, but two showers thrown in our honor.

The Bristol, CT posse (including G-Pa and the Godfathers)

Our "friend" shower was a joint effort with many people pitching in. It was so wonderful and we felt so loved!

Our good friends (all of which Meg and I met through our gigs working in the Boston arts scene) came together to throw us a party.  And we must say it was "us" to a tee (a baby T in fact <rim shot>).  Grandpa Curtis came in from CT with cupcakes, adorable onesie cookies as baby shower favors and a boozy concoction called a Mamatini (virgin version was also served for Kate).








While opening the many lovely and heartfelt gifts from friends, baby shower bingo was enjoyed. Guests wrote in what they thought we'd receive on each square, which certainly got them invested in the gift opening!  I think their cheers were louder than ours.  "A BINKIEEEEEEEEE! Bingo!"

The onesie making station was a hit.  Guests were provided with an array of onesies in all colors and sizes and iron-on decals ranging from LGBT themes to musical theater references... actually that's not quite a large range.  But you get the point.  By the end of the party we had upwards of 30 onesies for BGC made with love (and sass) from our friends.

Thanks you guys!

This past Saturday was our family shower hosted by Meg's mom and our step-sisters/in-laws (<it's too complicated, let's just call them our sisters). #blendedfamiliesAMIRITE

Awash in pink and green, we were surrounded by family! Our sister Jess made a 3 layer cake with accompanying cupcakes.  The whole place was covered in handcrafted decorations by Jess as well.

Jaimie had stations set up for guests to write little notes of wisdom or humor that were then rolled around a piece of candy and put inside a clean diaper, adding to our diaper stash.  So when we are up with BGC at 3am for the umpteenth time changing her diaper we'll get a little note and a piece of candy to get us through.

Another station had a picture with a bare tree with an ink pad next to it.  Guests were asked to add their thumbprint like leaves onto the tree. If you see anyone walking around with a blue thumb, you'll know they were part of our shower! Another nice addition to BGC's nursery.

Meg's side of the family is also VERY talented in the Arts and Crafts department.  Meg's cousin (and goddaughter), Laura, made this adorable elephant! We named her Barbra (mostly because, as Meg's parents are both Speech Pathologists, Bs are easy for babies to say early on), but I also like to sneak a little Babs into BGC's life whenever possible.

Another hit was Meg's Aunt Gail's gift.  An avid knitter, she hand-made a hat for BGC for each month, starting with a coming home hat.  Note: September (the all white one) has a little veil so she can celebrate our wedding anniversary with us, November is a cupcake to celebrate her birthday (although she is welcome ANYTIME after 37 weeks).

Hats in order from December 2014 through November 2015

We are VERY lucky and grateful for all the generosity, both in talent and gifts, that we received and can't wait to have 58324095435 photo sessions with BGC- don't worry, we'll share them here.

When you get a Babies R Us gift card.

Operation Nursery: DONE! (Almost)

(words by Meg + gifs by Kate)

When someone asks us to "build" something

Kate and I are really terrible at being lesbians. I mean, we're fine at BEING lesbians (wink, wink.. sorry mom and dad), but we're not the usual handy sorts. Kate's dad gave us a toolbox and we don't even know what half of the contents would be used for. Honestly I couldn't tell a drill bit from a wood screw, so when it came to building the crib, we thought we'd call in the Calvary, aka my former roommate and current friend, Brittany Burke.

Read the instructions first, you say?
So that's where I've been going wrong all these years!

Kate while watching Brit and Meg construct things

In between the whale pictures is BCG's initial,
which is blurred out to preserve the surprise/drive my dad crazy.

Once the crib was done, we were on a roll! I was surprised to find out that hanging three pieces of artwork was harder than building the furniture. That's what happens when you live in an old (read: slanted) building.


Brittany kept saying "what's next?" so we kept answering her! Last, but not least, she put up our new curtain rods and hung curtains.

Looking into the nursery from the kitchen.

There will be a changing pad on top of that teal dresser.

After the big pieces of the nursery were assembled, I couldn't stop myself from organizing. It's what I do.

Baby girl has more clothes than I do!

TINY SOCKS!

We're in the market for some crib sheets, a changing pad and a couple of other things and then the nursery will be complete. We're ready for you, baby girl!