Someone once told me that you really don't find your footing in a new job until you've been there at least 2 months. I think that's kind of how parenting is. This mess is hard y'all. In fact, I'd say this is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Forget water boarding people for torture, what they should do is deprive them of sleep for 8 weeks and wake them with a screaming baby. I would definitely give up government secrets for 8 solid hours of sleep. We previously talked about the first couple of weeks of parenthood and how no one talks about them. We're not sure if it's because they don't want to scare new moms or because they have blocked it out due to PTSD. Another thing no one really talks about is Postpartum Depression, or PPD. A couple of weeks ago I was diagnosed with it.
|Motherhood in a sentence.|
It wasn't until Meg sat me down and we talked that I realized I was becoming a shell of the strong, vivacious, witty person I used to be. I didn't want to socialize, I never left the house, I lived in a state of exhausted panic. I reached out to my midwife in an email and spelled things out. She wrote back confirming it sounded like PPD. Reading that confirmation made me, you guessed it, cry. But I could put a name to what I was feeling and she offered me the number for a social worker at Mt Auburn Hospital to talk to. We had some next steps.
I've met with the social worker several times and we are working through my feelings. I know now that I'm not alone. She said that there's a PPD group at a local Jewish Women's Center called "I Didn't Think It Would Be Like This". Spot on my mishpocheh.
I was put on Ativan for the anxiety and Zoloft for the depression. I also continue to see a social worker and a psychiatrist. It's getting better. It is a slow process, but I'm beginning to come back to the person I once was and I'm redeveloping my relationship with our child. Meg and I also agreed that I needed to go back to work earlier than planned. I needed to establish some structure back into my life and a little time away from Ella during the day to make our time together stronger. Meg and I are also making time for just us. Recently, Grandpa Jeff came to take care of Ella and give us our first date night since she was born. Right before we left Ella threw an out-of-character shit fit reminiscent of her hellacious first week screamfest and we, with great guilt, left the house to start our date with Grandpa handling Ella. We both got in the car and Meg said, "If McDonald's sold wine I'd say we should just go there, eat in the car and cry."