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Wednesday, September 4, 2013

How Many Euphemisms Can I Use?Period

Posted by Kate
so i married an axe murderer, mike myers
If you have ever waited for a train when you're already running late, with an important presentation you are leading schedule to start in 10 minutes when your commute will take 20 minutes and you ate Indian food for breakfast before chugging a hot soda while also doing jumping jacks... that is the best way for me to convey the last 2 weeks.  What can I say? I'm a fan of painting a vivid picture.

The stage we were/are in of OBM (refresher: Operation Baby Makin') is the final tests before you actually "do the deed"- I can already see I'm going to try to find as many euphemisms for insemination as I can and contributions from the reading audience are welcome.  Previously, on Kate's TMI Journey:

We had blood test results saying we were disease free (high five!), discovered our blood types and CMV statuses.

We then had to wait for the... .... .... visit from Aunt Flo for the next tests.  My body decided to pull a "Miley at the VMAs" and go buck wild.  We waited and waited and Flo was a no-show.  The doc at RSC had me come in for a blood test (I am actually shocked I still have any blood left in my body after all the sticks) to test my hormone levels. They called me later that day and said that they needed to help the "crimson wave come to

beetlejuice, michael keaton
shore". The doctor put me on Progesterone for 10 days, to be taken right before bed. Let me tell you, this may not be the same for anyone else that has been on the same pills, but I had some crazy ass dreams.  Take the plot of "Beatlejuice" add some characters from Walking Dead and random appearances of Steve Buscemi's teeth. So 10 nights of less sleep than what a Kate needs in order to ensure she doesn't speak in tongues the following morning.  Accounts online said that some people have seen the arrival of the "cotton pony" after a couple of days on the pills, but the true purpose of the medication is to build the lining on the uterine wall and then when you stop taking the meds, the lining sheds bringing on "your special friend".  The treatment started August 14th. Let me also add that we were scheduled to leave on a plane to California the morning of August 30th and the tests must be done on the 3rd day (possibly the 2nd if need be) of "your monthly visitor". So, to keep this from becoming a "2 trains left from separate stations" math formula:
Last pill would be taken on Friday, August 23rd

My body is expecting the hormone still on Saturday, August 24, but it doesn't get any.
snl gifSunday, August 25th...we're getting terribly close to this all happening while we're in CA, which would mean we'd miss our chance to do these "Day 3" tests and have to wait another month. Talk about pressure.

Sunday came and I've never willed anything to come more in my entire life. My Google search history on my phone looking for ways to encourage the "Panty Shields Up, Captain!" officially will keep me from running for office.  I started to be a nervous wreck (if I was that bad, don't ask about Meg) and my hormones were more up and down that Charley Sheen.  I was taking 2,000mg of Vitamin C, oil of Primrose and any other thing the internet told me to do. Time was racing and our trip was approaching. I woke up Tuesday morning at 3:30 from another Rob Zombie-like nightmare and still nothing.  I laid back down in bed and willed myself to sleep. After using all of my lives in Candy Crush I gave up and just got ready for work.  Then it happened. Just in the nick of time. I immediately told Meg to which we high fived... It seemed appropriate.  Then called the clinic. Thursday morning I went in for an ultrasound (when I

ron burgandy, anchorman, will ferrell, gif
walked in the song "Your Body is a Wonderland" by John Mayer came on- touché) to check the engine, look for oil leaks and check the spark plugs (I actually know ridiculously little about cars so that sentence may be a load of crap. They located my ovaries quickly, said everything looked to be in good shape (a tiny cyst on my left ovary, but that's common in most women and to be of no concern) and counted the follicles on each.  Average women with no issues have between 5-10 and I had 11 in one ovary and 13 in the other. They then took my blood to check E2, FSH, LH hormone levels and all was good.  Later that day I met with a new OBGYN, as currently my yearly exams are done by my Primary Care and as much as I love Marie at Davis Square Family Practice (if you live in the greater Somerville/Boston area and don't see her you need to reevaluate your life choices- she's amazing & sees everyone that has ever lived at 22 Thorndike aka Meg's old apt- it's a lot of damn people) she can't deliver babies. I chose an OBGYN at Mt Auburn Hospital Women's Center and later we'll be able to attend an open house to meet all of their doctors and Midwives. I honestly didn't know what a midwife was and I'm still not entirely sure, but to my understanding they can do almost everything an OB can do with the exception of emergency surgery.  Also, I envision midwives to be a little like your guidance counselor where they talk to you about feelings, teach you how to care for a baby and write a recommendation for your application to Undergrad.

the mindy project, mindy kaling, gif
So let's talk next steps.  Thursday I go into Newton-Welsley Hospital for an HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) test- bonus points if you use that word in a game of Words With Friends.  They inject contrast dye into your uterus and watch it come out your fallopian tubes to make sure the "pipes are free and clear".  I've been told that this can be painful so... awesome.  And as I am typing this I am on the way back from our 2nd Anniversary vaca in CA where I just did my first ovulation test in the bathroom of a JetBlue Airbus. At this point we are just testing to see how it fits into our basal body temp  charting to help plan for the first opportunity we will have to "try".  To answer the burning question I'm sure you all have on your mind, no they do not sell "Yay I'm ovulating!"  T-shirts in Sky Mall.
parks and rec, treat yoself, aziz

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