Reproductive Systems Be Like: Psych

So I got the call and it is a big fat negative.

What it feels like trying to get pregnant

We actually did feel like things were different this time.  And I think the nurses that have called me the last two times are thrown off that I don't break down into a Scarlet O'Hara type hot mess upon hearing the news.  I simply take a moment, suck back the tears and say, "Ok, what's our new game plan?"  I can cry when I'm in a dark, isolated, soundproof location like any emotionally repressed Catholic-raised person would do.  The nurse said that we will continue the Clomid plan and to call on the first day of my next cycle (let's pray another cyst hasn't formed).  I then brought up that I think, with the issues of PCOS

When you're reading a pregnancy
test and you think you see a +,
but it's like looking at one of those
pixelated paintings they had in the mall
that when your eyes crossed you saw
the 3D picture (which I lied b/c I could
NEVER see them).

and my irregular results from the OPK this cycle, that I would like to bring out bigger ammo.  So we are going to add on follicle monitoring (observing the growth and maturity of the follicles to pinpoint the right moment of ovulation instead of relying on a stick that I pee on) as well as a trigger shot.  Combined with the Clomid, the trigger shot 'tells' your body (it injects a massive does of HCG), "Listen Honey, you better release an egg or Kate's gonna go Jaoquin Phoenix crazy".  So... Next steps- wait for next cycle, call insurance to verify coverage again, day 3 take Clomid and start monitoring.  But- this also means I'm gonna have some new material for the blog, so that's the silver lining of today's news.  Inappropriate gifs will abound.

So yes, I am sad.

Yes, I am incredibly disappointed (both in the negative test results and in my body, which makes me feel like a failure for not working correctly).  But we must look forward, right?

And as for this weekend.. at least I can drink. Enough said.

Being Strong the Night Before: This Post Endorsed By Michelle Obama's Arms

Hey team.  So tomorrow's the day we find out if second time's a charm.  I decided to do this post a little differently.  This time around I feel like I'm a pro (no, I'm not) and that I know everything that's coming around the bend (you're welcome for getting Pocahontas' "Just Around the River Bend" stuck in your head #disney).  None of that is true, but we are in semi-familiar territory.  This time I knew not to think every little cramp in my abdomen was a "thing".  This time around I had better things to do than to stare at the size of my chest in the mirror wondering if the girls were getting bigger- well, ok, so I did do that when I was housebound during the snow storm...  Some things that I did do: I allowed myself to think that it could happen, even daydreaming about future events I would attend as "pregnant Kate".  I spent a little bit of time looking at baby clothes and nursery ideas.  And I might have cried at a Ford commercial and then yelled at trashcan because clearly it caused the garbage bag to get stuck and rip, spilling the contents all over the ground. Yeah, I might have.

But I also remembered last time.  To be honest, we both, kind of, felt like it was going to happen for us on the first try.  That we would be that lesbian couple that broke the odds.  Then we would walk out of the reproductive clinic in our sensibly shoes under a saber arch held by the tallest members of the WNBA followed by a trail of adopted animals.  But it didn't happen that way.  And we dealt with that, and then dealt with the side affect of Clomid- creating a cyst that prolonged us trying again for another month.  Then a VERY confusing ovulation testing experience (most likely tied to Clomid) so I was left hoping that the results were right and not skewed from the meds.  And then another two week wait.  Whoever makes a woman wait 2 weeks with raging hormones for the potential of having a baby while also allowing us no booze is sadist.

We've also had a lot of support- it increases with each post.  The amount of people who have "come out" about their struggles to get pregnant and who were willing to share their story with us is astounding.   So bravo to you, ladies.

This time there were things I experienced that were very different than last time... things that seem like good signs. But I'm Irish and I believe in jinxing things so I've stopped myself from thinking about that too much.  I'm also a little pessimistic about my body as it has been a bitch to me my whole life so I don't give it a lot of credit.  So let's just do this.  If when I get that call tomorrow and they give me good news we can feel like this...

And if we get bad news again I'm allowed to feel like this...

TWW, The Sequel: Reloaded & Back With a Vengeance

Watching for ovulation.

So we were inseminated on Friday.  This cycle was a little different than the last.  Typically, when using Clearblue Advanced Digital Ovulation tests, you get 1-2 days of a flashing smiley face telling you that your fertility is high (for straighties who get their "junk" for free it means you can start trying now to optimize your window) which serves as a heads up.  After the 2 day flashing smiley you then should receive a solid smiley face indicating you are at your peak and should ovulate sometime in the next 12-24 hours.  Well I didn't receive my solid smiley face until I'd had 4 days of flashing smileys which really threw me for a loop.  After much research (internet you are both my bff and my worst enemy) I learned that Clomid can lead to jacked up readings on your OPK tests.  Shit.

How I feel about stressing over sperm
motility. #really?!

We hope, much like anyone else in this process, that we got the timing right.  We also learned that the specimen that was thawed for our Friday insemination was lower motility.  Not below standards, but not super high.  Our fertility doctor said that it was fine to use and after last insemination where we ended up combining two samples (which didn't work any better) we thought it would be fine.

We are now on day 4 of our TWW (two week wait) and it is so much different this time.  Last time I thought any little move would "shake things loose" and had an initial fear of peeing because "what if I peed it out"... If you haven't figured this out by now, trying to have a baby makes you cray cray.  I'm going to reiterate this for anyone else in the TWW reading this.  There are no definitive signs during this time to tell you you're pregnant.  So, no, it's just gas from that burrito you ate.  I don't mean to be an asshat, but I spent many a night scouring the internet with the same questions.  I also am ashamed of how little I knew about my own female anatomy.

It hasn't gotten this bad.

So this time I'm not treating myself like "The Boy in the Plastic Bubble." I'm still avoiding alcohol and unpasteurized foods and limiting caffeine, but this time I'm hitting the gym (gently).  I am in a crafting crazy mode again-  this time I'm knitting- shut up with the old cat lady jokes.  And, as luck would have it, I'm going to be traveling for work on the day I'm supposed to go in for my pregnancy blood test so we're going to have to wait a couple extra days to find out for sure. We'll call this one the T+WW.

TTC: If At First You Don't Succeed, Put Those Legs Back In the Air

My reproductive system as performed by Julia Louis-Dreyfus

So our first attempt was a BFN and that was a hard pill to swallow (and anyone TTC knows we swallow a lot of pills) <rim shot>.

What It Feels Like When You Don't Know
When Your Next Cycle Will Start

In our last post we told you about how Aunt Flo wasn't making her appearance and, to be honest, after the hormone induced craziness of the past couple of months your mind starts to think... science could be wrong- blood has never proven anything ever and there's a chance that I still might be pregnant because everyone knows "being late" is the surefire symptom, as proven by the 1950s.





Well, AF finally came. I'm not pregnant (duh). The doctor started me on another round of Clomid and, like last time, it was horrible (refresher: Clomid is a medication to help encourage ovulation). The two biggest side effects I noticed were hot flashes and the inability to stay asleep.  The hot flashes were just beautiful little fairies that breathed the fire of a thousand hells on you at 3am.  But it's cool because you were already awake at 2am unable to go back to sleep until 15 minutes before you alarm was about to go off.  So that was convenient.  #sarcasm  Luckily that only lasts for 5 nights, but I want to publicly apologize to everyone I encountered on those 5 glorious days of fatigue and sweat stains (<--new band name, I call it).




I started doing ovulation testing Monday and today we got a big ol' smiley meaning I'm at my peak of ovulation.

So we are all set to try again with another IUI on Friday the 17th!

Hormones- Am I Right?

Hey team.  First of all, thank you all so much for your support through all of this.  Really.  You're all gems.

So where did we leave off? In mid-December we got a BFN (big fat negative) on our first pregnancy test and had great plans to hit the 3-buck chuck and chicken wings hard.  Mission Accomplished.  We were then waiting for my next cycle to begin so we can start the OBM (operation baby makin') process all over again.  Problem was, Aunt Flo was nowhere to be found.  I called the reproductive clinic and they had me come in for blood work.  They informed me that certain hormone levels were raised and their assumption was that I had a functioning cyst.  This would postpone a cycle from starting and is commonly tied to fertility drugs.  After failing my first attempt at conceiving the last thing I wanted to hear was, "Just keep waiting."

Then, as we all commonly do when you receive medical news, I started researching the crap out of it- despite the fact that I've clearly learned that the web is a vortex of self-proclaimed authorities who couldn't find correct grammar with a follow-spot and a SEAL team.  With absolutely no self-control I then started looking for "natural" ways to help kick start things.  I firmly believe we could all make our millions putting colored flour in a capsule, titling it with a name that ends with a legit medical sound - fakermine - and saying it promotes "fertile wellness."

Simulation of Kate waiting.

A week later there was still no sign of AF so I called the clinic again.  I was told, again, to keep waiting.  It was now calendar day 46 and no period in sight.  So I called again (they're so sick of hearing from me) and the nurse scheduled me for more blood work on January 6th.  She said that she suspected, since I still hadn't gotten my period, that I actually hadn't ovulated at all and that my positive OPK result was due to the Clomid hormones.  Crap. What a waste of very expensive sperm, not to mention my sanity. Then yesterday I was out running errands and it happened.  <woohoo> Never in my life have I been so excited to get my period.

And, in typical Kate fashion, I called and left a message at the clinic promising baked goods and inappropriate humor to whomever called me back to talk next steps.  Poor Nurse Becky called me back this morning and said that since I did start my cycle they believe I did ovulate (phew) and that it isn't uncommon for women on Clomid to have elongated cycles as the drug stimulates (heh) follicles encouraging ovulation and some get hyper-stimulated resulting in a functioning cyst.  It's the cyst that then starts producing a constant stream of estrogen and only when it stops will your cycle begin.  And so after this female reproductive PSA nugget I just dropped on you I also was inspired to make you this:

So, what's next? Well, more waiting. I'll start taking Clomid again tomorrow night and start testing for ovulation on day 10 of my cycle. If this all goes similarly to how it went last time, we'll be inseminating again around January 18th/19th. Stay tuned, folks. 

12 Days of TTC Christmas: But No Pressure, Y'all...

"Venture" LOL Grandma

We wanted to share some of the Christmas cards with best wishes on our TTC journey.  But no pressure guys. ;)  In honor of the holidays...

On the twelfth day of Christmas my TTC gave to me- 
12 phlebotomists with the shakes.
11 months of poking (heh) & prodding.
10 Clomid ugly cries.
9 stirrup leg cramps.
8 pics of my ovaries.
7 new fad diets.
6 awkward Google search histories.
5 sketchy OPK bathroom testssssssssss.
4 letter word yelled at a speculum.
3 B-uterus compliments.
2 legs in the air.
And a vial of sperm & a testing stick no one can read.

BFN: Tryin' to Be Positive About Being Negative

So, in all honesty, we couldn't wait to test.  We tested Saturday morning and Sunday morning.  Both were BFN, or to translate, Big Fat Negative.  But we've talked to friends who experienced the same thing and when they took the blood test they were, in fact, positive.  So, aside from the fact I was late (my cycle was late I mean) I was hanging onto that.  The TWW (two week wait) is one of the hardest things to go through.  As we chatted before, It's All Sequins & Legs In the Air: Surviving the Two Week Wait & TWW From a Wife's POV & Why Craft Store Stocks Shot Up.  You kind of go through the stages of grief in a way.



1. Denial and Isolation: For the first few days I treated myself like the "boy in a bubble".  I reduced my workout schedule to just walking and legit got nervous if I hit a bump in my car- "What if that shakes the egg!?!?".  I nested hardcore.  I also immediately cut out alcohol, lunch meats, most seafood, caffeine... it wasn't pretty the first few days.  I skipped a company holiday party that was at the gorgeous Liberty Hotel because a) there was an open bar I couldn't make friends with b) I was leery of being out and about- what if someone's sick?  What if someone bumps me???  #crazy

2. Anger- Why the hell are all of my friends getting pregnant???  And why are all the symptoms of pregnancy the same as the symptoms you get right before you get your period?!!?!  And why did "West Wing" end?

3. Bargaining- I feel like my boobs are getting bigger.  Are they?  Can I ask Meg to compare?  Is that weird?  Should I ask a stranger to compare?




4. Depression- I just got a call (thanks RSC New England for not making a girl wait) and it is negative for pregnancy.





5. Acceptance- I got the call in between a fun-filled packed day of quarterly business presentations with my client which is kind of a blessing in disguise.  It made me put on my big girl pants (even though I'm down 17 pounds- sorry- gotta find a silver lining somewhere) and suck up the couple of tears I felt well up and talk about oral care (it's my job, but it's also a great opportunity for 'that's what she said jokes' and, yes, Meg is still thrilled about this <sarcasm>).  The nurse was very sympathetic and offered the

option to take a break.  My first thought was, "Are you kidding me?!  We gotta keep going."

So, we start over.  Wait for my next cycle to start, take an upped level of Clomid (oh good, let's jack up my emotions over the holidays- sorry everyone), wait for ovulation and do another IUI.  A couple of things I did learn from my chat was that our reproductive center calls shenanigans on daily temping.  This is a method used by many women to help predict patterns in their cycle by taking their BBT (basal body temperature) first thing in the morning.  Spikes and drops are supposed to tell you when certain things are going/did happen.  RSC believes, as do I now after 9 months of doing this, that this isn't reliable.  They feel that OPK testing is best.  I expressed concern that even though I don't have full blown PCOS I do have one particular issue tied to it that I don't ovulate normally.  They offered an option called monitoring which would involve me having blood taken on a regular basis after menstruation ended so that blood work could confirm ovulation instead of relying on an over-the-counter test.  My initial thought is- If we are making sure we are going at this 100% since the start with every test I've gone under, why not ensure the most important part is actually happening?  These will be things that Meg and I will discuss tonight and you know we'll keep you updated here.  Meanwhile, I'm gonna half-ass the rest of this day, go home and get a little sloppy.