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Monday, December 16, 2013

BFN: Tryin' to Be Positive About Being Negative

So, in all honesty, we couldn't wait to test.  We tested Saturday morning and Sunday morning.  Both were BFN, or to translate, Big Fat Negative.  But we've talked to friends who experienced the same thing and when they took the blood test they were, in fact, positive.  So, aside from the fact I was late (my cycle was late I mean) I was hanging onto that.  The TWW (two week wait) is one of the hardest things to go through.  As we chatted before, It's All Sequins & Legs In the Air: Surviving the Two Week Wait & TWW From a Wife's POV & Why Craft Store Stocks Shot Up.  You kind of go through the stages of grief in a way.

1. Denial and Isolation: For the first few days I treated myself like the "boy in a bubble".  I reduced my workout schedule to just walking and legit got nervous if I hit a bump in my car- "What if that shakes the egg!?!?".  I nested hardcore.  I also immediately cut out alcohol, lunch meats, most seafood, caffeine... it wasn't pretty the first few days.  I skipped a company holiday party that was at the gorgeous Liberty Hotel because a) there was an open bar I couldn't make friends with b) I was leery of being out and about- what if someone's sick?  What if someone bumps me???  #crazy

2. Anger- Why the hell are all of my friends getting pregnant???  And why are all the symptoms of pregnancy the same as the symptoms you get right before you get your period?!!?!  And why did "West Wing" end?

3. Bargaining- I feel like my boobs are getting bigger.  Are they?  Can I ask Meg to compare?  Is that weird?  Should I ask a stranger to compare?

4. Depression- I just got a call (thanks RSC New England for not making a girl wait) and it is negative for pregnancy.

5. Acceptance- I got the call in between a fun-filled packed day of quarterly business presentations with my client which is kind of a blessing in disguise.  It made me put on my big girl pants (even though I'm down 17 pounds- sorry- gotta find a silver lining somewhere) and suck up the couple of tears I felt well up and talk about oral care (it's my job, but it's also a great opportunity for 'that's what she said jokes' and, yes, Meg is still thrilled about this <sarcasm>).  The nurse was very sympathetic and offered the
option to take a break.  My first thought was, "Are you kidding me?!  We gotta keep going."

So, we start over.  Wait for my next cycle to start, take an upped level of Clomid (oh good, let's jack up my emotions over the holidays- sorry everyone), wait for ovulation and do another IUI.  A couple of things I did learn from my chat was that our reproductive center calls shenanigans on daily temping.  This is a method used by many women to help predict patterns in their cycle by taking their BBT (basal body temperature) first thing in the morning.  Spikes and drops are supposed to tell you when certain things are going/did happen.  RSC believes, as do I now after 9 months of doing this, that this isn't reliable.  They feel that OPK testing is best.  I expressed concern that even though I don't have full blown PCOS I do have one particular issue tied to it that I don't ovulate normally.  They offered an option called monitoring which would involve me having blood taken on a regular basis after menstruation ended so that blood work could confirm ovulation instead of relying on an over-the-counter test.  My initial thought is- If we are making sure we are going at this 100% since the start with every test I've gone under, why not ensure the most important part is actually happening?  These will be things that Meg and I will discuss tonight and you know we'll keep you updated here.  Meanwhile, I'm gonna half-ass the rest of this day, go home and get a little sloppy.


  1. Do the monitoring! It makes things much easier when it comes to planning an IUI. Not that I have had any success with my IUI's, but I do know that I ovulated/had mature follicles prior to each IUI. Those OPK's are wonky and annoying and should have side effects listed on their packaging of migraines and drunken stupors!

    1. Kasey- I'm totally with you on this. I think it just involves a little research on our end as to what costs may be. Did you ever blog about this experience?

  2. Sorry to hear about the BFN, love. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that the next round is the lucky one. Love you!

  3. I am really sorry to hear about this. I remember those negatives well - there is certainly a feeling of grief and loss there (who would that person have been? what if we were meant to have THAT child). At some it will happen. Keep on swimming.... keep on swimming (bad joke?)

  4. I'm so sorry your first cycle was a negative. Give yourself time to grieve and be kind to yourself, even if that means getting drunk and eating chicken wings ;-)

    I am, of course, not an RE, but I also have PCOS and have been dealing with infertility for about a year and a half. I know that my RE uses Femara instead of Clomid with PCOS women because it seems to work better and gives less side effects. She also uses a trigger shot so that we could time IUIs down to a 36 hour window. I don't know if your RE has already brought these up, but might be something to ask if you're getting sick of the Clomid Crazies.

    I hope that your next cycle is successful!