We Have a Baby, or, Is That a Nipple in My Hair?

"Coffee"

Sorry for the radio silence, but as we may have mentioned, WE HAVE A BABY! We can hardly believe it, even though we are completely consume with keeping her alive every single minute of every single day. Anyway, we thought we'd give you an overview of our first two weeks as parents. Don't let it deter you from having your own little stinker, because even after a really hard 14 days, we still love her more than anything.

We used to be cool (ok, maybe not).  We used to host dinner parties and go see plays.  We used to be able to hold a conversation. Today it's a victory if we can put a noun and a verb together.  As I sit here at 2am holding 8lbs of a tiny human who can barely lift her head, I find myself assessing how much poop she has had today.  What did it look like?  And, come to think of it, why does it look like she shotgunned deli mustard and sesame seeds?  When did I sleep last?  Or my favorite of Meg's deep thoughts: What are the ethics of holding a baby while you pee?

What the first 2 weeks feel like

No one talks about the first 2 weeks of having a newborn.  I don't know whether parents that have come before us see it as a rite of passage that we must encounter on our own or they've blocked it out of their memory like a horrible nightmare.  The first two weeks of having a baby are hard, y'all. I'm sure the next two weeks will be too...and the next and the next...but damn, those first two will get to you.

I'm going to say some things that may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I'm running on a 5 hour old cup of coffee and a power bar, so deal with it.

Breastfeeding

One of the hardest things I've ever encountered.  When the baby is first born she lives off her reserves

Ella's reaction to being fed formula

and then looks to you (ie: your boob) for colostrum.  This is what our body creates before the milk comes in.  I'm going to keep this portion brief- after many days of tag teaming holding our banshee-like screaming daughter for hour at a time I pumped and learned my body wasn't producing enough milk and she was starving.  We quickly grabbed the can of formula and a bottle and she inhaled it, giving us more than 1.5 hours of sleep for the first time since she was born.  I know it is told that we, as breastfeeding women, should push through this time as our milk *will* come in, but you know what?  I didn't.  And my daughter was happier.  My wife was happier.  And I didn't have a nervous breakdown.  

Crying

This topic is twofold.  When the postpartum nurse said that I am chock full of hormones and would cry (a lot) for no reason, she wasn't kidding.  I cried full on "the dog dies in this movie" tears because I put my underwear on backwards.  But I also cried at the sound of my own daughter's cries.  I don't know how it is scientifically put, but there is a place in every birth mom's mind that is wrecked by the sound of their child crying.  

And then that leads me to Ella's crying.  As Meg likes to remind me, babies cry.  It's their way of communicating.  I think the first hell week we had has traumatized me.  Every time she cries my whole body cringes and I have a mini emotional meltdown inside. I fear she will never STOP crying. Knock on wood...so far, she has always stopped crying.  Her crying is rational.  Me and my raging hormones are not.

Sleep

You will get none. Until the grandparents swoop in and hold your screaming baby so you can sleep (in the same bed, even!) for one sweet, sweet hour. 

Hygiene

You will forget to brush your teeth, take out your contacts, eat, bathe and leave your house.  It will get easier day to day, particularly if you have an amazing partner to relieve you and/or kindly tell you that your breath smells like one of the characters from "The Walking Dead."  

Trying to get anything done on
Mommy Brain

Maintenance

They say to sleep when the baby sleeps. Well, that's great if you have a housekeeper and personal chef. If you don't, the minute the baby is asleep you will want to take care of all the things around the house that make it look like a tornado hit a diaper factory. You will wash a dish and then start some laundry and then remember you were washing a dish.  What's that smell?  Oh right you started cooking something... and now the house is on fire.

Baby Jeggings
In between the cries and the poop and leaky breasts, tiny baby clothes will make things ok.  Tiny socks, onesies with giraffes on them, knit hats.  And the outfits.  You will change the outfits three times a day due to formula overflow or diaper blowouts, but you will also change them because this is now your primary source of entertainment.  You will then take 8,000 pictures, post them on Facebook and break the internet- or at least overwhelm your friends to the point they may start blocking you.  Sorry team, but to those that stuck with us thus far thanks for playing.


At the end of the day- still not sure what hour that is as we don't know when the day ends or begins anymore- she's the best thing to happen to us.  And even at 2am, covered in formula, not sure when you had your last shower and crying at the Swiffer comercial with the cute old couple because hormones you look down at that face and think, "I'll keep her."